Why I'm a Feminist

My dad made me a feminist.

Before you get all proud and happy about enlightened maleness, let me explain.

My honey and I stopped at my parents' place on our return trip from Voyageurs National Park and it was not good. Being off the grid for a week meant that I missed the whole #yesallwomen phenomenon and the crime that inspired it, but I find this hashtag and its attendant backlash very interesting because of my own situation.

My dad does not accept me for who I am. I suspect that he never has. My choices are never right, my decisions are wrong, and my opinions are irrelevant. I'm actually not sure if any parent anywhere has the ability and willingness to accept their kids the way they are, but I have many friends with kids now and they certainly seem to accept their kids as they are...but you never know what goes on in the home. My story is a case in point.

Every time my friends have met my parents, for my whole life, they always come away impressed with my folks' vigor, energy, and kindness. My parents are great in public. But you know that idea about public face versus private face? Yeah. Well.

Here's an example of what goes on to this day when I am in my parents' home:

Dad starts talking about how a CA town needs to take water from somewhere in another state or they'll go dry. I mention that's been done before, how it's not a good idea for the people living in the place where the water is, and...

Dad stands up and cuts me off with a loud and vehement, "I don't want to hear any of your liberal crap!"

I turn my head and stare at my honey and my mom, who gently scolds dad's comment. I'm used to being silenced by my dad. He's been trying to silence me my entire life.

I proceed anyway and explain the story of the Hetch-Hetchy Valley, how John Muir fought to keep the valley from being flooded to provide San Francisco with water, and how devastating that dam was to the ecosystem in the Yosemite region. I then attempt to bring up the Glen Canyon Dam, which now blocks the Colorado River from flowing freely, that was installed to create a recreation area as well as to provide electricity for the region.

Dad's getting angrier and angrier and as per usual, starts yelling about how I don't know what I'm talking about and on and on and on.

I am a feminist because the example of male behavior I grew up with showed me that men control, dominate, and silence women.

During this same visit, I asked my parents if we could please have a half gallon of gas - they have several five gallon cans in the shed full of gasoline - and we arrived with the low fuel light on. It was Memorial Day and they live five miles from the nearest gas station, so I figured taking a half gallon would guarantee we would not get stuck on the way to get gas in the morning. I offered to pay for it, too.

Mom said yes.

Dad said no. Because he didn't want to have to drive that five miles to fill up that lost half gallon.

He would rather me run out of gas and get stuck on the side of a remote mountain road than give or sell me a half gallon of gas.

In the morning, I whispered to my mom: "Let's go out to the shed so I can get that gas."

She said, to my horror, "I dare not override your father."

Shocked and appalled, I whispered, "He'll never know! Don't tell him, just let's go."

True to her word, she went over to the dining room table, where my dad was talking to my honey, and interrupted them to ASK if she could give me a half gallon of gas. I was on my way out the front door, and just heard my dad protesting mightily. I shut the door and walked out to the shed. Mom joined me and I tried handing her a five dollar bill. She declined it and said, "I'm not like Dad."

"Good thing, or I'd never be here," I said.

The worst part of the visit was shortly after we had arrived the night before. We were sitting in the living room and Mom announced that they would not be coming to my annual summer party this year. My dad then took over and gave only one reason - they would rather stay home.

This weekend, they are traveling to visit two different sets of friends in SC and GA.

But they don't want to drive across the state to attend my family and friend party that I've put on each summer, usually around my birthday in July, because I just enjoy being surrounded by the people I care about.

Evidently, that's not enough. Dad would rather stay home than come to my party and see me.

To say I'm insulted is an understatement.

And to show how serious their plan to remain home is, my mom gave me my birthday present right then and there. On Memorial Day.

As we left, it occurred to me that my Dad must love me because I'm his daughter, but he definitely doesn't like me. He never asked me anything during our visit or addressed me directly, except to yell at me to be quiet.

I left home at 18 because of this. I am a feminist because of this.

I am also a feminist because my Mom can't be. I really listened during our visit and almost every sentence that came out of her mouth deferred to my dad: He wants, he likes, he doesn't want, he doesn't like. I wanted so badly to ask my mom, in my dad's presence, what does SHE want? But I know her answer because I've asked her before. She would say, "It's just easier this way." And if I asked in his presence, there would have been a fight, as usual. For my mom, it's easier to just cater to my dad's every whim because of the stressful misery her life becomes when she doesn't.

I'm a feminist because my mom has spent most of her adult life serving a man who sees fit to insult, be mean, and silence both her and her daughter whenever he feels like it and then acts like it's our fault - we brought it on - it's not him, it's us.

The repercussions of this reality still affect me today. I have tried, very hard, to NOT look at men like the enemy - but I do not have a healthy relationship with men. Even my honey now, whom I trust and who has done more for me than any man ever has, and who is NOTHING like my father, feels the brunt of my unintended reactions. Every suggestion is a sharp criticism in my damaged brain. When he told me this weekend that he might as well change his name to my dad's name because that's how I treat him, I felt this comment like a punch to the solar plexus. I was devastated all over again and remained upset all night.

My dad never beat me, and always provided financial security, but he did damage me. He's kind and outgoing to my cousin, his friends, my friends, but he is not kind and outgoing to me. Not only do I feel disrespected, I also feel so very sad. Because this is my reality and even when he's gone, I will still have to deal with the consequences.

That's why I'm a feminist.

Closure, or a new beginning?

When I told my parents and family about hearing back from my birth mother, the reaction was overwhelmingly positive, supportive, and cautious. They want me to take it slow and not get overwhelmed. And they are all using the term "closure" quite a bit. The word closure suggests an end, a resolution.

My friends, conversely, are just excited and relieved for me. They are using terms like "open door," "new path," "beginning."

So which is it? The end or the beginning? To me, finally communicating with my birth mother, getting to know her, and possibly having the opportunity to have a relationship with her is primarily an open door, a new beginning. But it is also in many ways a resolution - a mystery solved. But in my mind and heart, this qualifies more as a beginning. It is interesting to me that my family considers it more of an ending.

Thus begins the complicated nature of birth families and adoptive families coping with first contact between child and birth mother. I know that every adoptee in this situation has likely experienced something similar to varying degrees, if they are fortunate enough to have a supportive family and willing birth parent. But the rhetor in me can't resist analyzing the difference in language used to describe this moment. Why would my family primarily focus on closure while I focus on beginning? Because it IS closure - much-needed. That is true.

Perhaps it is just me, specifically. Maybe not all adoptees WANT a relationship with their birth parent(s) beyond the basic facts - particularly medical histories. Perhaps my family (as other adoptive families might feel) don't want "their" kid to have any real relationship with a birth parent for fear of being left out, left behind, or dropped entirely. Territoriality? Defensiveness? Fear that things won't work out and I'll be hurt? Fear that I won't consider them "family" anymore?

As I wrestle with the dichotomy of closure versus beginning, I am more inclined to embrace what many Indigenous scholars refer to as both/and - this is both closure AND a beginning. Not just one or the other. But when I speak about it thusly, again my family (who I know have my best interests in mind) is cautious and encouraging me to go slowly and just enjoy getting "answers to my questions." Again, the focus on superficiality - basic information - getting answers - embracing the end of this lifelong mystery.

I have expressed this to my family and will likely have to revisit the idea frequently - they are my family and always will be - and I love and value them as such. However, in my mind and heart, I do not think of "family" the way that many people do - I have always had a much more open interpretation of this word.

For instance, I know that some people who were born into and raised in "blood" families will only consider someone who is blood-related to be "family" - everyone else who falls outside this description is not "family" and never will be - these people may be invited to family dinners, but will never be considered "family." That's fine and that works for some folks - not me. And I think this stems from the fact that from birth, my concept of family has always been "those who care for you, love you, and advise and support you in any and all situations." This is a much-expanded concept from the limited blood relation version.

So, although my family may be wondering if they are about to be replaced, all I can do is emphasize how expansive my concept of "family" is and let them know that I may be adding people to this distinction, but I will never replace anyone. I have several friends whom I consider to be more "family" than "friends" based on the aforementioned definition. Once the level of closeness and dedication in a friendship transcends simple friendship, those people are added to my "family" category.

Will my birth mother (and her daughter - my sister - who is also interested in contacting me with the intent of us getting to know each other) become "family" some day? I have no idea. According to those who believe "blood" means family? The answer is a foregone yes. To me, I have no expectation either way - because this is a situation that is entirely new for all of us and I refuse to give in to any impulse to set parameters with expected outcomes. This situation is beautifully fluid and I am thoroughly enjoying the process of discovery.

Now to explain this to my family...;)