Last week, I hosted a family and friends cookout. At the top of the menu was smoked turkey and ribs. I purchased the meats carefully, selecting plump, hefty portions, knowing that the long smoke would dry them out. I selected preservative-free apple juice and used a chocolate stout for basting because these add sweetness, savory depth, and color (but no chemicals). I loaded a bin with cherry wood the night before and filled the bin with water because soaking the wood thoroughly means that it will smoke more when added to the fire. When I got home from the store, I made a brine for the turkey - apple juice, water, brown sugar, salt, orange rinds, bay leaves, peppercorns, and immersed the bird before sealing the container and loading it into a cleared shelf in the refrigerator.
The day before the picnic, I woke up, made a cup of coffee, and loaded my little firestarter chimney with charcoal, pushed two balls of newspaper underneath, and lit it on fire. It takes about 10 minutes for the coals to get red hot, at which point, I moved the superheated chimney around the main grill top and scraped and scrubbed the grates, using the heat as my cleaning agent along with the scouring brush. Then I dumped the coals into the smoker and shut all of the lids to allow the inside of the grill to get nice and hot while I dry-rubbed the ribs with a spicy, sugary mixture, and rinsed the turkey.
Once the meats were prepped, I loaded them onto trays, carried them out to the deck, and laid them in specific places on the grill: the fat turkey breast went closest to the smoker opening, the turkey thigh went on the shelf above that, but a little further back from the heat, and the ribs were placed from thinnest to thickest from the coolest to the hottest part of the grill. Placement is essential unless you want dried out, sawdust meat.
My plan was to use the 3-2-1 method: three hours of open smoking, two hours covered and wrapped in foil while smoking, and then one hour open smoke. Basting after two hours and every half hour (or so) after that. Smoking, as I've learned, really is an art. This is a fire-born dance of heat and flavor that can produce some of the best-tasting meat you've ever had - or turn a juicy, just-right rib into the toughest, jerky-like piece of flesh you've place your teeth on. I'm still learning, but I persist because I love cooking and this is just another cooking frontier for me.
Two days before the picnic, my parents came into town and we went to dinner at one of my favorite local brewpubs. Mom said she already bought my man's birthday gift (this event is a month away). I said, "Really? And what did you get?" She smiled proudly and said, "We got two of those smoking kits from Rollier's!" I paused, frowned a touch, and said, "I'm the one who smokes. Not him."
Mom genuinely seemed surprised and said, "But I thought you got things going and then he stepped in and took over?"
Just this week, I was searching the Life is Good web site for their latest designs and came across the grilling section. Imagine my disappointment when I discover only a "King of the Grill" t-shirt and hat - but no "Queen of the Grill." This reflects my Mom's assumption that only men can rule the grill, which is something I clearly disprove every time I set my smoker with fire.
This may seem a small thing. Insignificant in light of the bigger and more serious gendered assumptions in our world. But I maintain that this type of gendered assumption starts small and insignificant, embedding itself in our brains and activities to the point where "he takes over (and does the REAL work)" just rolls off the tongue in all sorts of daily situations. In other words, the persistent acceptance of this assumption pervades even the commonest and mildest forms of daily life - like grilling.
I have already written to the Life is Good company to request that they make a Queen of the Grill t-shirt for women like me who rule the grill. If you agree with me, please consider supporting my request by sending them one of your own. The Contact Us page is here: http://www.lifeisgood.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-LIG-Site/default/CustomerService-ContactUs.
Grill queens (and those who love our efforts) unite! :)
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
43 Reflections (Part Two)
As promised, here is the second half of my list of 43 reflections and observations. And as with the Part One, read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say,
share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a
moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever
your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of
course, these are in no particular order of importance. :):
24. It's okay to lose control. Sometimes we get wound so tightly that we can't enjoy ourselves. The brain doesn't shut off, the interior voices don't shut up, and we can't live in the moment and let go. I've had such problems with this, but I'm finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to truly let go when the situation allows for it. And it is a marvelous, wild, time-stopping feeling.
25. Generosity is as vital as understanding. With money (if you have it), with time, with talents and skills, with advice, with listening, with compassion. Being generous with the people in your life will reap more dividends on a longer term basis than any amount of wise financial investment in the stock market. Spend your emotional, physical, and financial capital on the people you love and watch what happens.
26. Don't flinch when challenged. Remember that kid's game - two for flinching? Well, as adults, it may not be two arm punches that come flying at us when we flinch, it may be a downgrade of our reputation, a decrease in trust, a questioning of our abilities. Even when you are wrong and must fix a situation, never flinch when challenged. Calmly assert your claim to authority and walk away with your character and confidence intact. And then fix the problem.
27. Silence can be a powerful ally or weapon, depending on how it is deployed. Sometimes stepping away or remaining silent is more powerful than words. Just try it some time and witness the effect that silence can have.
28. It's not always important to win. I can't tell you how hard-won this piece of knowledge is for me. Until my mid-30s, I really believed that winning was the most important thing - more important than friendships, relationship peace, anything really. And that is dead wrong. I was wrong. And it took me a lot of time and mental energy to re-work myself around to what I now know. Perhaps this knowledge can only come from first feeling the opposite and then suffering through the result and changing - like an alcoholic admitting she has a problem. However, if you can avoid learning this particular lesson the hard way, I recommend doing so.
29. Learning shouldn't stop. Certainly, the older we get, and the more we read, see, and experience, the more we know. But for some people, that learning stops - they hit a certain age and decide to stop learning new things or considering new ideas. This may just be a personal preference on my part, but I think shutting yourself off from learning is the beginning of the end of your mind's health and vitality.
30. Bad news and unexpected disruptions to "normal" life should be expected, but always take us by surprise. The longer you live, the more things you live through - much of it bad news and unexpected disruptions that you didn't create or cause. So you'd think we'd become accustomed to these infrequent disturbances to our "normal" lives. Nope. We easily fall back into the comfort zone and enter a type of selective amnesia and then wham! Another unexpected disruption and we're SO surprised! Perhaps expecting the unexpected is one of those concepts that can only be talked about and agreed upon, but not truly felt.
31. It's okay to grieve. The death of a relationship, a loved one, a pet. The end of anything that is important to us. We can't see the beginning peeking around the corner because we are too sad, too blinded by despair. But hope and new starts are there, calmly waiting. Well-meaning people will pressure you to buck up and snap out of it - don't listen. Grieve. Cry. Mourn. Be sad. Be angry. Take as long as you need to start healing and seeing the world with hope and wonder again. Don't feel bad about taking your time. Don't internalize societal pressure to get over it. Ignore that idea. Take as long as you need.
32. Working hard does not guarantee success. There's a myth that we Americans tend to subscribe to - that hard work in and of itself will pay off economically, socially, and/or professionally. And as much of an advocate as I am of working hard, I've seen and experienced enough to know what folly it is to believe in this idea. It is not just hard work. It is also your ability to network, meet people, and cultivate relationships with influential individuals who can help move your ideas along. It is also a large dose of luck to be in the right place at the right time, something we cannot control or predict. It is also your intuition and ability to interpret a moment and possibly make a sudden decision. And it is also your willingness to take advantage of opportunities as they come your way - not dismiss them out of hand for some surface and temporary reason (salary reduction is often a big one) - but see them as stepping stones for future success. Hard work is just part of the equation.
33. Success is not the enemy, greed is. Once you do achieve a modicum of professional and/or economic success, be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy the rewards of your labors. Success in this respect is a wonderful thing. Just don't become Gordon Gekko. Maybe this is just my inner Marxist coming out, but there does seem to be a difference between economic success that is earned, enjoyed, and shared versus greed - when enough isn't enough. Perhaps it is in the underlying motivation. We live in a consumerist society - no avoiding that - but you don't have to subscribe to the belief that you need everything and more more more. Achievement and success are good things and everyone should strive to reach as far up the ladder as their desires want them to go...but don't let pure greed be the motivating factor.
34. When in doubt, take a deep breath before diving in. Whether in a job interview, a meeting, a coffee date with a friend, on stage, or when presented with a statement or question that you aren't sure how to answer, the best response is breathing. Just take a deep breath, say, "Hmm, good point/question. Let me think about that for a moment." And then silently (and quickly) compose a response before speaking. You will come across as confident, mature, and composed, instead of scatterbrained, disjointed, and nervous.
35. Courtesy is no longer common, but it should be. Now I sound like one of those old timers futzing about these damn kids...but I am in earnest. Simple gestures like opening and holding a door for someone, saying thank you when they do the same for you, offering to help with a task, pausing in traffic to let another driver in to the lane; these are becoming rare instances, which is a shame because it speaks to a downgrading of classiness in all of us.
36.One person's truth is another person's lie. There is no avoiding this fact. What I believe wholeheartedly to be true, I can name a dozen people who not only disagree with me, but who believe the exact opposite to be true (You may be one of those people, looking at this list, and trying to count the ways in which I am wrong). The better truth to embrace is simple acknowledgment that my truth and your truth are just different: equally powerful and compelling, but different. Once you learn to accept that as fact, debates of all kinds become easier, less contentious, and more palatable.
37. When someone compliments you, say thank you. When you dismiss a compliment, you are dismissing that person's entire perspective and saying, "What you say doesn't matter - I don't agree with your compliment, so will brush it off and replace it with my own negativity." That is so disrespectful. Don't do that. Just don't. Appreciate the sentiment and the spirit in which it is offered. When someone compliments your hair, your outfit, your article, your qualities, just smile and say, "Thank you!"
38. Constructing a bucket list is a useful and functional exercise. Just remember to be flexible. What you desire to accomplish at 25 will likely change by the time you are 35 and 45 and 55, so start that list and begin doing the activities and accomplishing a few of the goals. And then revisit it in a few years to see what you've done (pat yourself on the back and be happy if you've managed a couple of items) and what goals have changed. Don't hesitate to replace anything that no longer makes sense for where you are in life.
39. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. (Getting the hint? Keep repeating this until it sinks in.) Accept that failure is inevitable - in school, in professional life, in relationships, in families and friendships, in projects and small tasks, in purchasing things and trying new hobbies. Failure. Is. Inevitable. It is not that you can prevent failure, it is how you respond when you fail that marks the difference between "failures" and "survivors." Fail. Learn. Go again.
40. There will come a day when you finally get it. It wasn't in my 20s (even though I thought I knew everything then). It wasn't in my 30s after being married and divorced. It wasn't even when I turned 40, earned my Ph.D. and became a professor. I really just started to get it this year. I feel like I am finally starting to have a handle on how life and all of its myriad components, surprises, left jabs, and challenges work. I feel confident now that I really can survive anything. That no matter what ridiculous obstacles leap into view, that I will be okay and I will be able to figure it out. Life seems much less fragile now, or maybe I just feel more resilient. That feeling just happened. This year. So be patient and know that this type of wisdom really can take some serious time.
41. Never speak negatively about yourself. Whether with friends, co-workers, a potential new boss, a professor, or a landlord, never knock yourself down with words. Once spoken, the words hang in the air and create a sense of doubt about you. If you don't like yourself enough to sing your own praises and at least mildly proclaim them, why should anyone believe in you and give you a chance? Be your own best advocate and always speak well of yourself without crossing the line into arrogance.
42. When you need help, ask for it. Not asking for help is this weird affliction that I swear is either a Pennsylvania thing or maybe an American thing. I'm not sure, but there's something about asking for help that makes us feel weak. And no one likes to feel weak. I used to suffer from this affliction. No longer. I now know and am fully aware of how important it is (for my own sanity and to speed up the solution process) to ask for help. It is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Because you know something else? When you ask for help (especially when you rarely ask), friends and family tend to leap to your aid - which makes sense. I know I tend to leap when a friend or family member asks for help, advice, assistance - I love helping others. How arrogant of me to assume other people don't have the same impulse? So, when you need help, ask for it. And say thank you when your peeps step up.
43. Work at having fun. Too many of us work way too hard, stress way too much, and focus on the negatives. I've been guilty of this just this year, what with State Farm jerking me around (my Hurricane Sandy claim remains unsettled) and all of the other obstacles and challenges that have arisen in this short 12 month period. But my man and friends and family always remind me of the good things and the fact that situations always improve - it is easy to lose sight of this when in the throes of chaos. But they are correct. And even in the midst of chaos, it is vitally important to have fun. I work to live, I don't live to work. When I was nine, my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said, "Have fun." He laughed and said, "You can't make a living having fun!" I responded, "I will!" Now, all of my careers and jobs have certainly been work, but have always included elements of fun. But when I say have fun, I don't restrict that to work because let's face it, work can really drag us down sometimes. Which is why it so important to work at having fun. Whatever it is that brings you joy and satisfaction should be close to the top of your weekly list. Every week. And new fun adventures that you're itching to try? Go for it. Having fun is one of those activities that makes life worth living, so why slack off? :)
24. It's okay to lose control. Sometimes we get wound so tightly that we can't enjoy ourselves. The brain doesn't shut off, the interior voices don't shut up, and we can't live in the moment and let go. I've had such problems with this, but I'm finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to truly let go when the situation allows for it. And it is a marvelous, wild, time-stopping feeling.
25. Generosity is as vital as understanding. With money (if you have it), with time, with talents and skills, with advice, with listening, with compassion. Being generous with the people in your life will reap more dividends on a longer term basis than any amount of wise financial investment in the stock market. Spend your emotional, physical, and financial capital on the people you love and watch what happens.
26. Don't flinch when challenged. Remember that kid's game - two for flinching? Well, as adults, it may not be two arm punches that come flying at us when we flinch, it may be a downgrade of our reputation, a decrease in trust, a questioning of our abilities. Even when you are wrong and must fix a situation, never flinch when challenged. Calmly assert your claim to authority and walk away with your character and confidence intact. And then fix the problem.
27. Silence can be a powerful ally or weapon, depending on how it is deployed. Sometimes stepping away or remaining silent is more powerful than words. Just try it some time and witness the effect that silence can have.
28. It's not always important to win. I can't tell you how hard-won this piece of knowledge is for me. Until my mid-30s, I really believed that winning was the most important thing - more important than friendships, relationship peace, anything really. And that is dead wrong. I was wrong. And it took me a lot of time and mental energy to re-work myself around to what I now know. Perhaps this knowledge can only come from first feeling the opposite and then suffering through the result and changing - like an alcoholic admitting she has a problem. However, if you can avoid learning this particular lesson the hard way, I recommend doing so.
29. Learning shouldn't stop. Certainly, the older we get, and the more we read, see, and experience, the more we know. But for some people, that learning stops - they hit a certain age and decide to stop learning new things or considering new ideas. This may just be a personal preference on my part, but I think shutting yourself off from learning is the beginning of the end of your mind's health and vitality.
30. Bad news and unexpected disruptions to "normal" life should be expected, but always take us by surprise. The longer you live, the more things you live through - much of it bad news and unexpected disruptions that you didn't create or cause. So you'd think we'd become accustomed to these infrequent disturbances to our "normal" lives. Nope. We easily fall back into the comfort zone and enter a type of selective amnesia and then wham! Another unexpected disruption and we're SO surprised! Perhaps expecting the unexpected is one of those concepts that can only be talked about and agreed upon, but not truly felt.
31. It's okay to grieve. The death of a relationship, a loved one, a pet. The end of anything that is important to us. We can't see the beginning peeking around the corner because we are too sad, too blinded by despair. But hope and new starts are there, calmly waiting. Well-meaning people will pressure you to buck up and snap out of it - don't listen. Grieve. Cry. Mourn. Be sad. Be angry. Take as long as you need to start healing and seeing the world with hope and wonder again. Don't feel bad about taking your time. Don't internalize societal pressure to get over it. Ignore that idea. Take as long as you need.
32. Working hard does not guarantee success. There's a myth that we Americans tend to subscribe to - that hard work in and of itself will pay off economically, socially, and/or professionally. And as much of an advocate as I am of working hard, I've seen and experienced enough to know what folly it is to believe in this idea. It is not just hard work. It is also your ability to network, meet people, and cultivate relationships with influential individuals who can help move your ideas along. It is also a large dose of luck to be in the right place at the right time, something we cannot control or predict. It is also your intuition and ability to interpret a moment and possibly make a sudden decision. And it is also your willingness to take advantage of opportunities as they come your way - not dismiss them out of hand for some surface and temporary reason (salary reduction is often a big one) - but see them as stepping stones for future success. Hard work is just part of the equation.
33. Success is not the enemy, greed is. Once you do achieve a modicum of professional and/or economic success, be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy the rewards of your labors. Success in this respect is a wonderful thing. Just don't become Gordon Gekko. Maybe this is just my inner Marxist coming out, but there does seem to be a difference between economic success that is earned, enjoyed, and shared versus greed - when enough isn't enough. Perhaps it is in the underlying motivation. We live in a consumerist society - no avoiding that - but you don't have to subscribe to the belief that you need everything and more more more. Achievement and success are good things and everyone should strive to reach as far up the ladder as their desires want them to go...but don't let pure greed be the motivating factor.
34. When in doubt, take a deep breath before diving in. Whether in a job interview, a meeting, a coffee date with a friend, on stage, or when presented with a statement or question that you aren't sure how to answer, the best response is breathing. Just take a deep breath, say, "Hmm, good point/question. Let me think about that for a moment." And then silently (and quickly) compose a response before speaking. You will come across as confident, mature, and composed, instead of scatterbrained, disjointed, and nervous.
35. Courtesy is no longer common, but it should be. Now I sound like one of those old timers futzing about these damn kids...but I am in earnest. Simple gestures like opening and holding a door for someone, saying thank you when they do the same for you, offering to help with a task, pausing in traffic to let another driver in to the lane; these are becoming rare instances, which is a shame because it speaks to a downgrading of classiness in all of us.
36.One person's truth is another person's lie. There is no avoiding this fact. What I believe wholeheartedly to be true, I can name a dozen people who not only disagree with me, but who believe the exact opposite to be true (You may be one of those people, looking at this list, and trying to count the ways in which I am wrong). The better truth to embrace is simple acknowledgment that my truth and your truth are just different: equally powerful and compelling, but different. Once you learn to accept that as fact, debates of all kinds become easier, less contentious, and more palatable.
37. When someone compliments you, say thank you. When you dismiss a compliment, you are dismissing that person's entire perspective and saying, "What you say doesn't matter - I don't agree with your compliment, so will brush it off and replace it with my own negativity." That is so disrespectful. Don't do that. Just don't. Appreciate the sentiment and the spirit in which it is offered. When someone compliments your hair, your outfit, your article, your qualities, just smile and say, "Thank you!"
38. Constructing a bucket list is a useful and functional exercise. Just remember to be flexible. What you desire to accomplish at 25 will likely change by the time you are 35 and 45 and 55, so start that list and begin doing the activities and accomplishing a few of the goals. And then revisit it in a few years to see what you've done (pat yourself on the back and be happy if you've managed a couple of items) and what goals have changed. Don't hesitate to replace anything that no longer makes sense for where you are in life.
39. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. (Getting the hint? Keep repeating this until it sinks in.) Accept that failure is inevitable - in school, in professional life, in relationships, in families and friendships, in projects and small tasks, in purchasing things and trying new hobbies. Failure. Is. Inevitable. It is not that you can prevent failure, it is how you respond when you fail that marks the difference between "failures" and "survivors." Fail. Learn. Go again.
40. There will come a day when you finally get it. It wasn't in my 20s (even though I thought I knew everything then). It wasn't in my 30s after being married and divorced. It wasn't even when I turned 40, earned my Ph.D. and became a professor. I really just started to get it this year. I feel like I am finally starting to have a handle on how life and all of its myriad components, surprises, left jabs, and challenges work. I feel confident now that I really can survive anything. That no matter what ridiculous obstacles leap into view, that I will be okay and I will be able to figure it out. Life seems much less fragile now, or maybe I just feel more resilient. That feeling just happened. This year. So be patient and know that this type of wisdom really can take some serious time.
41. Never speak negatively about yourself. Whether with friends, co-workers, a potential new boss, a professor, or a landlord, never knock yourself down with words. Once spoken, the words hang in the air and create a sense of doubt about you. If you don't like yourself enough to sing your own praises and at least mildly proclaim them, why should anyone believe in you and give you a chance? Be your own best advocate and always speak well of yourself without crossing the line into arrogance.
42. When you need help, ask for it. Not asking for help is this weird affliction that I swear is either a Pennsylvania thing or maybe an American thing. I'm not sure, but there's something about asking for help that makes us feel weak. And no one likes to feel weak. I used to suffer from this affliction. No longer. I now know and am fully aware of how important it is (for my own sanity and to speed up the solution process) to ask for help. It is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Because you know something else? When you ask for help (especially when you rarely ask), friends and family tend to leap to your aid - which makes sense. I know I tend to leap when a friend or family member asks for help, advice, assistance - I love helping others. How arrogant of me to assume other people don't have the same impulse? So, when you need help, ask for it. And say thank you when your peeps step up.
43. Work at having fun. Too many of us work way too hard, stress way too much, and focus on the negatives. I've been guilty of this just this year, what with State Farm jerking me around (my Hurricane Sandy claim remains unsettled) and all of the other obstacles and challenges that have arisen in this short 12 month period. But my man and friends and family always remind me of the good things and the fact that situations always improve - it is easy to lose sight of this when in the throes of chaos. But they are correct. And even in the midst of chaos, it is vitally important to have fun. I work to live, I don't live to work. When I was nine, my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said, "Have fun." He laughed and said, "You can't make a living having fun!" I responded, "I will!" Now, all of my careers and jobs have certainly been work, but have always included elements of fun. But when I say have fun, I don't restrict that to work because let's face it, work can really drag us down sometimes. Which is why it so important to work at having fun. Whatever it is that brings you joy and satisfaction should be close to the top of your weekly list. Every week. And new fun adventures that you're itching to try? Go for it. Having fun is one of those activities that makes life worth living, so why slack off? :)
Monday, July 22, 2013
43 Reflections (Part One)
My dad likes to remind me, too frequently imho, that he is and will always be 40 years my senior, with 40 additional years of experience, so I need to just be quiet and listen already. Well. You know that I love my dad, but as I have reached the age at which most people are considered fully functioning and trustworthy adults, I feel fairly confident in the reflections and assertions I'm about to make.
I have no children and have no plans for any, but I am still drawn to teach (hence the current career choice of professor), so please forgive me if this reflection list sounds too meme-ish or self-indulgent or preachy. I intend none of these impressions. I merely wish to honestly convey some things I'm pretty confident about at this stage in my life. Forty-three of them, in fact, to correspond to my new age as of Saturday. Read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :)
1. Family really is important. Even when they drive you batshit crazy and make you want to scream. They care, they really do. And you will miss them when they are gone, so spend what time you can with them while they are around.
2. Love is worth the risk. Love is a fluctuating, flexible, fluid concept and can be shared with any number of people in any number of ways once you decide to truly open yourself up to the risk of failure. Being vulnerable and raw are absolute necessities for love to flourish - it's a difficult plant to control, grow, and bring back from the dead. But it is always unexpected and fulfilling, thorns and all.
3. Sex is essential. Learning about it, exploring and experimenting with it, doing it. Just say yes.
4. Everyone needs friends. Don't ever say or let anyone say, "I don't need friends." That's just a flat-out lie. Friends keep us sane, understand and challenge us when we need it, share our pain and excitement, even from afar. Keep your friendships alive, no matter the effort required. It pays off in so many miniscule, yet vital, ways that makes daily life bearable and sometimes downright joyful.
5. Owning your own home is, after all, worth it. It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point where I can say this without smirking or cringing. I am finally starting to believe this sentiment to be true. There really is such a thing as pride in ownership. And having the flexibility to make whatever changes you want and shape your space into something that reflects who you are is incredibly valuable and yes, worth the extraordinary investment of money, time, and sweat.
6. Home improvement projects take a lot longer than HGTV or DIY lead you to believe. I think we all understand this on an intellectual level, but watching those shows and then trying to tackle a huge project like a bathroom renovation or a yard and garden reconstruction alone (as opposed to with the help of 30 people in one weekend) is quite a shock to the physical and psychological system. But, as with number 5, the projects and the associated money, time, and physical effort (plus learning curve) are well worth it to be able to enjoy the finished area with a real sense of pride and accomplishment.
7. Everything you learned in kindergarten is not all you need to know. You also need to understand how to work with difficult people with impossible personalities. You need to know how to be nice all the time, even the face of rampant idiocy. You need to know how to navigate a professional space politically and diplomatically. You need to know how to pick your battles. You need to know when to stand and fight, no matter the personal or professional risk. You need to know when to walk away because it just isn't worth arguing. This knowledge isn't taught at home or in school, but over the course of time and jobs and relationships and situations. This knowledge only arrives slowly over time - be patient - it accumulates.
8. Well-deployed anger is useful. I've written about this before. Too much anger, misplaced anger, violent anger - all unhelpful and counterproductive. But thoughtful, well-deployed anger? That can be a powerful tool to influence people, create change, or even just get people talking.
9. You are never too old to get an education. I hear people say this all the time - people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s..."I'm too old to go back to school." And as with number four, I call bullshit. Unless you have a diminished mental capacity for some reason, you are NEVER too old to get a degree, additional training, new skills. Want to change careers? Go for it. Plan well and go for it. There are myriad excuses built-in to a busy adult's life - kids, mortgage, spouse, time, busy busy busy...if you want something badly enough, you'll make the time and figure out a way to make it work. Period.
10. You don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life. Despite what some people might believe, it is more than possible to have a fun, exhilarating, love-filled, adventurous, and fulfilling life sans children. If you want a child, I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. If you feel pressured by family, friends, co-workers, the general social dynamic of our nation to have children, you best think long and hard before going down that road. If, gods forbid, your partner tries to convince you that "having a kid will strengthen our marriage," run away from that person as fast as your feet will carry you. And if, like me, you decide, on purpose, not to have a child, then I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. Kids do not equal automatic happiness and fulfillment and if you know in the depth of your being that the kid-path ain't for you? Then don't internalize the judgment you may receive. Just smile and know that you don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life.
11. Learning an art form will make you more compassionate. This has probably been said before by famous people with books, but I'll add my voice to the chorus. Learning how to play the piano, how to draw and paint, how to take artistic and thoughtfully composed photographs, how to cook, how to build with wood, how to dance and sing, how to bring a character to life on stage or on paper....these are things I know how to do and this knowledge has increased my capacity for compassion and understanding one hundred-fold. Everyone I know who has some, all, or more of these artistic skills also has extraordinary compassion in varying degrees. If you don't have an artistic skill, go learn one and contribute to the compassion index of the world.
12. Some people really are jerks. Going along with number 11, I can't help but think about the handful of people I've encountered who truly are class-A jerks. People who I wouldn't choose to spend time with if you paid me to do so. Fortunately, the number is small, so in 43 years, that's pretty good. But it's true - some people really are jerks and there's no explaining or rationalizing it away.
13. Basic life skills are sexy and attractive. Knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew on buttons and fix hems, build a fire, fish or hunt or grow your own food - these are essential life skills that everyone should know. For some reason, I meet a lot of people who don't have many of these skills - if any. That is not only tragic, that is dangerous. When our society gets away from basic skills such as these, we are in serious trouble if and when the power blinks out for good. I'm not a doomsday type, but I believe in the power of basic skills. Learn them. Know them. Share them with the younger generations.
14. Eating healthy can be delicious if done right. Indulging now and again in foods laden with sugar, salt, and fats is fine - it's when we load our daily meals with these choices that we get into trouble. I have worked very hard at various points in my life to correct bad eating habits and I think I finally have a handle on it. Eating healthy can feel just as indulgent as eating unhealthily, if you make the right choices - and learn how to cook! Back to the basics, always. Understanding how different ingredients and flavors work and taste together is essential to understanding how to construct creative, satisfying, and flavorful meals without loads of sugar, salt, and fats. No, really! :)
15. Having good credit opens doors. Having bad or "high risk" credit slams doors in your face and jacks up the rates for any creditor willing to take a chance on you. Check your credit record frequently, keep tabs on it, and try very hard not to dig yourself a hole. It takes a long time to dig out.
16. If you dig yourself a credit abyss and feel like you are drowning, you will recover with time, patience, and assiduous attention. It takes a long time to dig out, but you will dig out.
17. Lots of education, skills, and experience means you will always have a job. It may not be your ideal job, or it may mean you take a job below your skill level for awhile, but these three elements put you at the top of the hiring heap, guaranteed, every time.
18. Feeling utterly overwhelmed, panicked, afraid, worried, nervous, or in pain are all temporary sensations and will pass. They really do. And these moments allow you to see and enjoy the light-filled, joyous, and daily moments of quiet contentment even more.
19. Some mysteries are meant to be solved and some aren't. Knowing and having answers is the ideal situation, but not all situations lend themselves to this end. Accepting the existence of a mystery might be necessary - once you accept it, you can start spending your mental energy on something more productive. Like learning to cook better. :)
20. Constant complaining is a buzzkill. Just don't do it. It annoys the hell out of the people around you and although they may be sympathetic to your plight, constant complaints just makes people want to stay away from you or drive the conversation, thus reducing your contributions. Kvetching a bit is something we all indulge in now and again - it's fun to share the annoyances in our lives sometimes - but constant streams of complaints about minor and major issues without a break is a buzzkill.
21. There really is something magical about stopping and smelling the flowers, or contemplating the painterly colors in a sunset, or running your hand over a plant's fuzzy leaves, or really savoring that dish you just spent two hours cooking. Pausing to appreciate the beautiful and tasty sensations of our world is one of the greatest experiences you can have.
22. Stop texting at dinner (or lunch or breakfast). If you are having a meal with someone, put your phone away or on silent, don't look at it, don't have text or Facebook conversations with people who are not at the table. It is infinitely rude to the people you are dining with and just an obnoxious contemporary behavior that needs to stop. I've been guilty of this myself - I'm pretty sure all of us who have smart phones are - but I'm really making an effort to leave my phone in the purse, in the car, or certainly on silent. I really don't need to respond to ANYone right away...and neither do you.
23. I am happy to be alive. My Grandma Helen always used to say she only wanted to be alive as long as her mind held out. I took that to mean that her body could diminish and become less capable and she'd be ok with that. But her mind - her intelligence, ability to think for herself, reason, debate, discuss, and generally enjoy and be aware of the world - that was essential. I agree with her. I am happy to be alive as long as I have my mind.
(Part Two, or the final 20, next time!)
I have no children and have no plans for any, but I am still drawn to teach (hence the current career choice of professor), so please forgive me if this reflection list sounds too meme-ish or self-indulgent or preachy. I intend none of these impressions. I merely wish to honestly convey some things I'm pretty confident about at this stage in my life. Forty-three of them, in fact, to correspond to my new age as of Saturday. Read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :)
1. Family really is important. Even when they drive you batshit crazy and make you want to scream. They care, they really do. And you will miss them when they are gone, so spend what time you can with them while they are around.
2. Love is worth the risk. Love is a fluctuating, flexible, fluid concept and can be shared with any number of people in any number of ways once you decide to truly open yourself up to the risk of failure. Being vulnerable and raw are absolute necessities for love to flourish - it's a difficult plant to control, grow, and bring back from the dead. But it is always unexpected and fulfilling, thorns and all.
3. Sex is essential. Learning about it, exploring and experimenting with it, doing it. Just say yes.
4. Everyone needs friends. Don't ever say or let anyone say, "I don't need friends." That's just a flat-out lie. Friends keep us sane, understand and challenge us when we need it, share our pain and excitement, even from afar. Keep your friendships alive, no matter the effort required. It pays off in so many miniscule, yet vital, ways that makes daily life bearable and sometimes downright joyful.
5. Owning your own home is, after all, worth it. It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point where I can say this without smirking or cringing. I am finally starting to believe this sentiment to be true. There really is such a thing as pride in ownership. And having the flexibility to make whatever changes you want and shape your space into something that reflects who you are is incredibly valuable and yes, worth the extraordinary investment of money, time, and sweat.
6. Home improvement projects take a lot longer than HGTV or DIY lead you to believe. I think we all understand this on an intellectual level, but watching those shows and then trying to tackle a huge project like a bathroom renovation or a yard and garden reconstruction alone (as opposed to with the help of 30 people in one weekend) is quite a shock to the physical and psychological system. But, as with number 5, the projects and the associated money, time, and physical effort (plus learning curve) are well worth it to be able to enjoy the finished area with a real sense of pride and accomplishment.
7. Everything you learned in kindergarten is not all you need to know. You also need to understand how to work with difficult people with impossible personalities. You need to know how to be nice all the time, even the face of rampant idiocy. You need to know how to navigate a professional space politically and diplomatically. You need to know how to pick your battles. You need to know when to stand and fight, no matter the personal or professional risk. You need to know when to walk away because it just isn't worth arguing. This knowledge isn't taught at home or in school, but over the course of time and jobs and relationships and situations. This knowledge only arrives slowly over time - be patient - it accumulates.
8. Well-deployed anger is useful. I've written about this before. Too much anger, misplaced anger, violent anger - all unhelpful and counterproductive. But thoughtful, well-deployed anger? That can be a powerful tool to influence people, create change, or even just get people talking.
9. You are never too old to get an education. I hear people say this all the time - people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s..."I'm too old to go back to school." And as with number four, I call bullshit. Unless you have a diminished mental capacity for some reason, you are NEVER too old to get a degree, additional training, new skills. Want to change careers? Go for it. Plan well and go for it. There are myriad excuses built-in to a busy adult's life - kids, mortgage, spouse, time, busy busy busy...if you want something badly enough, you'll make the time and figure out a way to make it work. Period.
10. You don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life. Despite what some people might believe, it is more than possible to have a fun, exhilarating, love-filled, adventurous, and fulfilling life sans children. If you want a child, I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. If you feel pressured by family, friends, co-workers, the general social dynamic of our nation to have children, you best think long and hard before going down that road. If, gods forbid, your partner tries to convince you that "having a kid will strengthen our marriage," run away from that person as fast as your feet will carry you. And if, like me, you decide, on purpose, not to have a child, then I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. Kids do not equal automatic happiness and fulfillment and if you know in the depth of your being that the kid-path ain't for you? Then don't internalize the judgment you may receive. Just smile and know that you don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life.
11. Learning an art form will make you more compassionate. This has probably been said before by famous people with books, but I'll add my voice to the chorus. Learning how to play the piano, how to draw and paint, how to take artistic and thoughtfully composed photographs, how to cook, how to build with wood, how to dance and sing, how to bring a character to life on stage or on paper....these are things I know how to do and this knowledge has increased my capacity for compassion and understanding one hundred-fold. Everyone I know who has some, all, or more of these artistic skills also has extraordinary compassion in varying degrees. If you don't have an artistic skill, go learn one and contribute to the compassion index of the world.
12. Some people really are jerks. Going along with number 11, I can't help but think about the handful of people I've encountered who truly are class-A jerks. People who I wouldn't choose to spend time with if you paid me to do so. Fortunately, the number is small, so in 43 years, that's pretty good. But it's true - some people really are jerks and there's no explaining or rationalizing it away.
13. Basic life skills are sexy and attractive. Knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew on buttons and fix hems, build a fire, fish or hunt or grow your own food - these are essential life skills that everyone should know. For some reason, I meet a lot of people who don't have many of these skills - if any. That is not only tragic, that is dangerous. When our society gets away from basic skills such as these, we are in serious trouble if and when the power blinks out for good. I'm not a doomsday type, but I believe in the power of basic skills. Learn them. Know them. Share them with the younger generations.
14. Eating healthy can be delicious if done right. Indulging now and again in foods laden with sugar, salt, and fats is fine - it's when we load our daily meals with these choices that we get into trouble. I have worked very hard at various points in my life to correct bad eating habits and I think I finally have a handle on it. Eating healthy can feel just as indulgent as eating unhealthily, if you make the right choices - and learn how to cook! Back to the basics, always. Understanding how different ingredients and flavors work and taste together is essential to understanding how to construct creative, satisfying, and flavorful meals without loads of sugar, salt, and fats. No, really! :)
15. Having good credit opens doors. Having bad or "high risk" credit slams doors in your face and jacks up the rates for any creditor willing to take a chance on you. Check your credit record frequently, keep tabs on it, and try very hard not to dig yourself a hole. It takes a long time to dig out.
16. If you dig yourself a credit abyss and feel like you are drowning, you will recover with time, patience, and assiduous attention. It takes a long time to dig out, but you will dig out.
17. Lots of education, skills, and experience means you will always have a job. It may not be your ideal job, or it may mean you take a job below your skill level for awhile, but these three elements put you at the top of the hiring heap, guaranteed, every time.
18. Feeling utterly overwhelmed, panicked, afraid, worried, nervous, or in pain are all temporary sensations and will pass. They really do. And these moments allow you to see and enjoy the light-filled, joyous, and daily moments of quiet contentment even more.
19. Some mysteries are meant to be solved and some aren't. Knowing and having answers is the ideal situation, but not all situations lend themselves to this end. Accepting the existence of a mystery might be necessary - once you accept it, you can start spending your mental energy on something more productive. Like learning to cook better. :)
20. Constant complaining is a buzzkill. Just don't do it. It annoys the hell out of the people around you and although they may be sympathetic to your plight, constant complaints just makes people want to stay away from you or drive the conversation, thus reducing your contributions. Kvetching a bit is something we all indulge in now and again - it's fun to share the annoyances in our lives sometimes - but constant streams of complaints about minor and major issues without a break is a buzzkill.
21. There really is something magical about stopping and smelling the flowers, or contemplating the painterly colors in a sunset, or running your hand over a plant's fuzzy leaves, or really savoring that dish you just spent two hours cooking. Pausing to appreciate the beautiful and tasty sensations of our world is one of the greatest experiences you can have.
22. Stop texting at dinner (or lunch or breakfast). If you are having a meal with someone, put your phone away or on silent, don't look at it, don't have text or Facebook conversations with people who are not at the table. It is infinitely rude to the people you are dining with and just an obnoxious contemporary behavior that needs to stop. I've been guilty of this myself - I'm pretty sure all of us who have smart phones are - but I'm really making an effort to leave my phone in the purse, in the car, or certainly on silent. I really don't need to respond to ANYone right away...and neither do you.
23. I am happy to be alive. My Grandma Helen always used to say she only wanted to be alive as long as her mind held out. I took that to mean that her body could diminish and become less capable and she'd be ok with that. But her mind - her intelligence, ability to think for herself, reason, debate, discuss, and generally enjoy and be aware of the world - that was essential. I agree with her. I am happy to be alive as long as I have my mind.
(Part Two, or the final 20, next time!)
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
These are (not) my hands
At a family picnic over the recent holiday weekend, I couldn't help but notice all of the beautiful manicures on the women in attendance. Pinks, reds, patriotic, swirls, stripes, designs reflecting the individual woman's taste and style. Long, luscious nails, perfectly polished and shiny, a glittering outward signal of socially acceptable femininity. Here are my nails, hear them roar.
These are not my hands.
The picnic provided a respite from the work that my man and I are doing on his boat to finish prepping it for the season. I have cleaned, swept, painted, sanded, stacked, and organized, yanked and pushed. My hands grip hoses, paint brushes, silicone caulk, and screws. Before we left for the picnic, I looked down at my hands. My nails were a mess; dirt underneath, two ripped and in need of an emory board, unpolished, uncolored. Unfeminine.
I'm a fan of pedicures instead of manicures because of the variety and amount of work that I do with my hands. Even my toes get roughed up with some activities, but not as much as my hands. Typing and grading papers are easy on the nails, but ripping up a bathroom floor, cleaning and mixing river pebbles for the new floor, painting, sanding, removing grout, weeding, planting, boat work? Not to mention fishing, paddling, clamming, crabbing, walking the beach and picking up horseshoe crabs or shells or rocks to examine.
These are my hands.
Many of my friends have beautiful nails on their hands - they care for them meticulously and get new manicures when the current one starts chipping and looking unkempt, imperfect, less whole and ragged. Manicures smooth out the rough edges, polish the appearance, present an idea of beauty and hygiene that women and men find attractive.
These are not my hands.
I wish I could get manicures like so many women I know. But I know it's a waste of my money if I did. Because of the tactile nature of so much of what my hands do on a daily basis. I love the feel of dirt, prickly plant leaves, smooth fishing line and sharp metal hooks, the weight of a hammer or nail gun in my grip, the grit of the pebbles as I wash them and make them clean enough to accept the epoxy coating, the soft yielding of ripe tomatoes right off the vine, the sticky hardening of silicone as I smooth it between the wood baseboard and the tub, the slickness of a piece of mackerel head pushed onto a bait hook...
These are my hands.
Pondering the difference, I wonder why we consider polished, manicured nails to be a sign of femininity? Why aren't female hands that clearly do tactile, rough, and dirty work also feminine? Why is softness more feminine than strength? Why is the suggestion that no work is being done more feminine than clear evidence of work? Why must our markers of femininity only include the pretty, the perfect, the smooth and clean? Because I also know an awful lot of women who work really hard doing all kinds of work - teaching, running businesses, mothering. But this work doesn't show on their hands.
Maybe it is time for us, as a society, to appreciate and value the rough, the unpolished, and the imperfect in women, as well as those outward signs of work evident on hands and bodies, and celebrate these as truly feminine qualities. As much as I admire those beautifully manicured hands, I can't bring myself to buy a manicure because it wouldn't last a day.
These are my hands. And they are beautiful, strong, hard-working, and feminine.
These are not my hands.
The picnic provided a respite from the work that my man and I are doing on his boat to finish prepping it for the season. I have cleaned, swept, painted, sanded, stacked, and organized, yanked and pushed. My hands grip hoses, paint brushes, silicone caulk, and screws. Before we left for the picnic, I looked down at my hands. My nails were a mess; dirt underneath, two ripped and in need of an emory board, unpolished, uncolored. Unfeminine.
I'm a fan of pedicures instead of manicures because of the variety and amount of work that I do with my hands. Even my toes get roughed up with some activities, but not as much as my hands. Typing and grading papers are easy on the nails, but ripping up a bathroom floor, cleaning and mixing river pebbles for the new floor, painting, sanding, removing grout, weeding, planting, boat work? Not to mention fishing, paddling, clamming, crabbing, walking the beach and picking up horseshoe crabs or shells or rocks to examine.
These are my hands.
Many of my friends have beautiful nails on their hands - they care for them meticulously and get new manicures when the current one starts chipping and looking unkempt, imperfect, less whole and ragged. Manicures smooth out the rough edges, polish the appearance, present an idea of beauty and hygiene that women and men find attractive.
These are not my hands.
I wish I could get manicures like so many women I know. But I know it's a waste of my money if I did. Because of the tactile nature of so much of what my hands do on a daily basis. I love the feel of dirt, prickly plant leaves, smooth fishing line and sharp metal hooks, the weight of a hammer or nail gun in my grip, the grit of the pebbles as I wash them and make them clean enough to accept the epoxy coating, the soft yielding of ripe tomatoes right off the vine, the sticky hardening of silicone as I smooth it between the wood baseboard and the tub, the slickness of a piece of mackerel head pushed onto a bait hook...
These are my hands.
Pondering the difference, I wonder why we consider polished, manicured nails to be a sign of femininity? Why aren't female hands that clearly do tactile, rough, and dirty work also feminine? Why is softness more feminine than strength? Why is the suggestion that no work is being done more feminine than clear evidence of work? Why must our markers of femininity only include the pretty, the perfect, the smooth and clean? Because I also know an awful lot of women who work really hard doing all kinds of work - teaching, running businesses, mothering. But this work doesn't show on their hands.
Maybe it is time for us, as a society, to appreciate and value the rough, the unpolished, and the imperfect in women, as well as those outward signs of work evident on hands and bodies, and celebrate these as truly feminine qualities. As much as I admire those beautifully manicured hands, I can't bring myself to buy a manicure because it wouldn't last a day.
These are my hands. And they are beautiful, strong, hard-working, and feminine.
Friday, June 21, 2013
"I don't trust women"
Yesterday, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman - my officemate. We ate in a cafe owned by another strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. Last week, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished friend who is a hospice doctor. Today, I picked up some treats for my strong, intelligent, and accomplished Southern women friends from a deli owned by a strong, intelligent, and accomplished local woman business owner. I am surrounded on a regular basis by strong, intelligent, and accomplished women. I am also a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. None of us became accomplished by remaining quiet, not speaking up, and acquiescing to the will of a society that would prefer us to look and be perfect Stepford dolls (and did I mention unopinionated and stupid?) We all became accomplished in spite of this pressure to conform to silence and subservience. And yet...and yet...
...we all feel twinges of doubt about a wide variety of issues - body image, writing, business decisions, family decisions, professional choices. This bald fact is unavoidable, but sometimes something happens that brings this issue of self-doubt about one's self-worth to a head.
Yesterday as I was driving very slowly through the cafe parking lot and heading toward the exit, a middle-aged man jumped out of his truck and started across the lot to the KFC. We saw each other at about the same time, so I stopped a good 50 feet away, and waved him on. He stood still, and waved me on. I shook my head and smiled, waving him on - the universal signal that says "I see you - you're safe - go ahead."
You know what this man did? Something that I suspect many men AND women do on a daily basis - so much so that it is embedded in every reaction that we have whether we are driving, ordering something on the phone, listening to an expert, or voting.
He shook his head, held his arms up in an X, and shouted, "I don't trust women!" And then waved me on again. My stomach flipped, but I laughed (wrong response) and drove on. I should have stopped, gotten out, and asked him why he would say such a thing - it was insulting. But instead of responding the right way and challenging this behavior on the spot, this exchange has been eating at me ever since.
Why did he say that? Why doesn't he trust women? Women drivers, or women in general? My anger is also rising about this because it seemed so friendly and innocuous, but was loaded with toxicity and the expectation that because I'm a woman, I must not understand that I have to stop so that a man can cross in front of me. That pisses me off. And before you go off on some rant that I just don't understand and that oh, he was just "playing" or being funny - let me remind you that women in positions of power and authority suffer this assumption constantly. (And a woman behind a the wheel of a car can be perceived to have power over someone on foot.)
Over the course of my life, now and then, I will be reminded of my place by a "well-meaning" person - either man or woman, sometimes friend, sometimes colleague, sometimes family. Perhaps you've heard this statement and are similarly irritated by its counterproductive nature:
"You should watch what you say because you're in a position of authority - people trust you."
This is my all-time favorite and is ubiquitous to my life - this statement and its many forms has followed me from the moment I became a journalist. Until then, I was a subordinate figure in advertising and other businesses - I worked for others. The moment I started working for myself, I became scary to others. Now that I'm a professor, and part of the "intellectual elite" (whatever that is), apparently, I'm REALLY scary. I have things to say and I am not afraid to say them and for a woman to be that way and have that attitude rubs against the grain of a whole lot of people. The main thread that links both of my careers and positions together is the fact that I am a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman who isn't afraid to talk and write about anything, even when it pisses other people off. My greatest critics in this respect have, much to my chagrin, been women.
This hurts more than any man's criticism.
Women need to be more supportive of each other's desire and ability to speak up, speak out, and speak well on a wide variety of issues, including some of the most sensitive and difficult topics. We need to stop being so critical of each other's strengths because there are enough men who feel the way that the KFC-loving parking lot-walker feel - they don't trust women - so we need to trust and love each other as we are - and not try to change each other into some stilted societally-acceptable silent presence in this world. There are enough forces already winning that war - let's stop contributing ammunition to the wrong side of the battles.
The men in our lives, employees, co-workers, employers, service workers, random people on the street and in stores, may not trust us, but it is imperative that we trust each other AS WOMEN and allow our fellow women to be who they are without judgment from us. The men aren't going to take the lead on this, ladies. We must trust each other. We must lead by example.
...we all feel twinges of doubt about a wide variety of issues - body image, writing, business decisions, family decisions, professional choices. This bald fact is unavoidable, but sometimes something happens that brings this issue of self-doubt about one's self-worth to a head.
Yesterday as I was driving very slowly through the cafe parking lot and heading toward the exit, a middle-aged man jumped out of his truck and started across the lot to the KFC. We saw each other at about the same time, so I stopped a good 50 feet away, and waved him on. He stood still, and waved me on. I shook my head and smiled, waving him on - the universal signal that says "I see you - you're safe - go ahead."
You know what this man did? Something that I suspect many men AND women do on a daily basis - so much so that it is embedded in every reaction that we have whether we are driving, ordering something on the phone, listening to an expert, or voting.
He shook his head, held his arms up in an X, and shouted, "I don't trust women!" And then waved me on again. My stomach flipped, but I laughed (wrong response) and drove on. I should have stopped, gotten out, and asked him why he would say such a thing - it was insulting. But instead of responding the right way and challenging this behavior on the spot, this exchange has been eating at me ever since.
Why did he say that? Why doesn't he trust women? Women drivers, or women in general? My anger is also rising about this because it seemed so friendly and innocuous, but was loaded with toxicity and the expectation that because I'm a woman, I must not understand that I have to stop so that a man can cross in front of me. That pisses me off. And before you go off on some rant that I just don't understand and that oh, he was just "playing" or being funny - let me remind you that women in positions of power and authority suffer this assumption constantly. (And a woman behind a the wheel of a car can be perceived to have power over someone on foot.)
Over the course of my life, now and then, I will be reminded of my place by a "well-meaning" person - either man or woman, sometimes friend, sometimes colleague, sometimes family. Perhaps you've heard this statement and are similarly irritated by its counterproductive nature:
"You should watch what you say because you're in a position of authority - people trust you."
This is my all-time favorite and is ubiquitous to my life - this statement and its many forms has followed me from the moment I became a journalist. Until then, I was a subordinate figure in advertising and other businesses - I worked for others. The moment I started working for myself, I became scary to others. Now that I'm a professor, and part of the "intellectual elite" (whatever that is), apparently, I'm REALLY scary. I have things to say and I am not afraid to say them and for a woman to be that way and have that attitude rubs against the grain of a whole lot of people. The main thread that links both of my careers and positions together is the fact that I am a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman who isn't afraid to talk and write about anything, even when it pisses other people off. My greatest critics in this respect have, much to my chagrin, been women.
This hurts more than any man's criticism.
Women need to be more supportive of each other's desire and ability to speak up, speak out, and speak well on a wide variety of issues, including some of the most sensitive and difficult topics. We need to stop being so critical of each other's strengths because there are enough men who feel the way that the KFC-loving parking lot-walker feel - they don't trust women - so we need to trust and love each other as we are - and not try to change each other into some stilted societally-acceptable silent presence in this world. There are enough forces already winning that war - let's stop contributing ammunition to the wrong side of the battles.
The men in our lives, employees, co-workers, employers, service workers, random people on the street and in stores, may not trust us, but it is imperative that we trust each other AS WOMEN and allow our fellow women to be who they are without judgment from us. The men aren't going to take the lead on this, ladies. We must trust each other. We must lead by example.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Why challenging conventionality makes sense
A friend shared this story on why diamond engagement rings are a money-making scam thought up by the U.S. advertising industry in the 40s and 50s and after reading it, I also shared it with the following comment:
"Didn't want one when I got married the first time. Don't want one now. It's amazing what the ad industry can make us believe is important and valuable when it's not. You know what has intrisic value? Real estate. To me, the simple wedding band is much nicer - simple, straightforward symbolism, doesn't get caught on clothes and gloves. I've never bought into this lie and wish more people didn't. A man's worth is NOT determined by the size of the diamond he buys you! Yeesh."
One friend wondered if my beau and I were planning something and another friend commented that he and his partner are creating a trust (but questioning the romance of the move).
For a society built upon the idea of revolution and rebellion, we're awfully and stodgily conventional when it comes to certain things like engagement processes, weddings, and relationships. Our expectations in this love arena are mightily stilted. I used to work in advertising and I know how the manipulation works, so am much less prone to buying into the ideas this industry presents. But what about those of us who insist that following convention when it comes to love, engagement, and marriage is vital to...do what? Prove your commitment as a couple? Prove you have inordinate sums of money that can be spent on frivolous artifacts and parties that you will likely be paying off for many years to come? Prove that you REALLY love each other?
Why are we so enamored with the idea of convention when it comes to the process of getting married?
I was married for ten years, got amiably divorced, was alone for four years, and am now in the most loving relationship I've ever experienced. Everyone in our lives expects us to get married. A year in, people started asking when we were getting married. The expectation ran very high because we are so obviously in love and enjoy being together. The reality of our lives doesn't seem to make much of a dent in these well-meaning expectations, even after we patiently explain it: His career requires him to live where he does (or he will lose his job if he moves to another county); my career requires me to live close enough not to have an hour and a half commute (it's currently 40 minutes, quite enough thank you). He owns a sweet, animal-aggressive large dog; I own a sweet, animal-hating cat - we've tried to bring them together - total fail.
We cannot live together for now and, in fact, live 50 miles apart. We see each other every weekend, usually for three days, which is more than some couples get. I'm sure that some people look at us and the length of our relationship (2 years, 4 months), and assume that something must be awry because we aren't taking the big final step. I assure you, that is not the case. We have discussed marriage and agree we'd like to give it a try at some point once we can safely live together - but that won't be for about 9-10 years. So we have both accepted our current situation as well as we can and have agreed to make it work. This doesn't mean we don't love each other - or don't trust each other - or don't want to live together. When you are in your 40s, there are other factors that are, in fact, more important than love that must be taken into consideration.
The social cache and public acceptance that comes from being "husband and wife" instead of the juvenile "boyfriend and girlfriend" at our age would certainly be nice. I've written about this terminology problem before - one sounds serious and committed, the other sounds childish and disposable. So, conventionality again inserts its expectations into our words and creates a negative atmosphere.
There is nothing wrong with challenging convention and doing things the way you want as opposed to the way the advertising industry dictates or the way society expects. We have discussed signing Advanced Healthcare Directives for each other - something we will likely accomplish this year. While it may not be conventionally romantic at first glance (no flowers or chocolates in sight), this move is more romantic, loving, and reflective of the depth of our commitment to each other - we are choosing to seek out this protection and guarantee that we each have the right to make medical decisions for the other - a right automatically given to married couples.
Back to the diamond engagement ring - read that article I posted. Really read it. And ask yourself, if you have a diamond engagement ring, why that was important - really important - to you and to your spouse. Was it financially worth it? Does it make your marriage stronger? Happier? Longer-lasting? Why was that diamond necessary? Was there anything else that your beloved could have given or done to show you his or her intention to marry you instead of a diamond ring? I'm betting that most people haven't really thought about it all that deeply, but rather just accepted that giving/receiving a diamond ring was a necessary step in the marriage process...just the way Madison Avenue wants us to think.
This leads me into the most dangerous territory of all: weddings. Tighten your seatbelts, kids, because if you are bristling at that last paragraph, you're really going to foam at this one.
Weddings are a scam. Not the actual tradition that goes back as far as human history where the ceremony is intimate, small, focused on family, and more focused on the marriage instead of the day. Now, we have reality shows dedicated to glamorizing the day: Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding. Bridal magazines, web sites, ads on Facebook if you happen to be in a relationship beckon and tempt you to spend what you don't have on a day that is gone in a blink. We covet friends' extravagant winery weddings, luscious destination weddings, and full-scale farm-style picnics featuring horse rides, roaming ducks, exotic wines, and gourmet "farm" food.
Should couples celebrate getting married with a party? Sure. It's a huge life event worthy of celebration. Should couples put themselves and their families in debt for a decade to have the biggest party on the block to keep up with those elusive Joneses? Hell, no. Our priorities are so screwed up about this. I know the counterargument will be, "But if I can afford it, then why not?" Indeed. Go for it. If you think spending $10,000 or more on ONE DAY makes good financial sense in the grander scheme of a happy and functioning marriage, then by all means, spend away. But if, like most of us, you either don't have that kind of money to blow on something that could be accomplished for a fraction of that price, or just don't think it makes good financial sense, then why not reject conventionality? Don't give in to the pressure of family, friends, and TV shows that might make you think that being extravagant is necessary to prove your worth as a couple.
Marriage is complicated and can provide much happiness and comfort, but can also feel like a strangling noose tightening around your neck. The work that everybody talks about in marriage is just the effort required by each person to accept and love the other no matter what banality or extremes life throws your way - every day. Some days, it's very easy. Some days, it seems easier to walk away, but as my man likes to say, being married means you're stuck. Having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" means you can walk away at any point, unscathed financially, by simply not calling or showing up anymore. That changes once you make a legal commitment like marriage and you are sharing the same home. Why diminish the import of this reality by focusing all time, energy, attention, and money into the one day that kicks it off? Celebration with restraint seems a wiser course.
You might think I'm jaded because of a bad marriage. Not so. We were friends when we married and we remain friends to this day. The reasons it didn't work were complicated and we are both happier now as a result. In fact, that is one of the reasons why I don't want to "marry my best friend." As a result, although my beau and I share many friendship qualities, I do not consider him a friend...he is something else...something above and different from the common friend. Maybe that's just a semantic difference I need now, but it feels different and that is a good thing.
I encourage you to challenge convention. You have nothing to lose. Your family and friends will still love you, will still celebrate in whatever way you determine, will still send you holiday cards. They may talk about you behind your back about how rebellious you are, but then, they may already be doing that. Better to live up to your own expectations, instead of somebody else's - you and your mate will be much happier if you don't give in and blindly follow others' ideas of what is necessary.
"Didn't want one when I got married the first time. Don't want one now. It's amazing what the ad industry can make us believe is important and valuable when it's not. You know what has intrisic value? Real estate. To me, the simple wedding band is much nicer - simple, straightforward symbolism, doesn't get caught on clothes and gloves. I've never bought into this lie and wish more people didn't. A man's worth is NOT determined by the size of the diamond he buys you! Yeesh."
One friend wondered if my beau and I were planning something and another friend commented that he and his partner are creating a trust (but questioning the romance of the move).
For a society built upon the idea of revolution and rebellion, we're awfully and stodgily conventional when it comes to certain things like engagement processes, weddings, and relationships. Our expectations in this love arena are mightily stilted. I used to work in advertising and I know how the manipulation works, so am much less prone to buying into the ideas this industry presents. But what about those of us who insist that following convention when it comes to love, engagement, and marriage is vital to...do what? Prove your commitment as a couple? Prove you have inordinate sums of money that can be spent on frivolous artifacts and parties that you will likely be paying off for many years to come? Prove that you REALLY love each other?
Why are we so enamored with the idea of convention when it comes to the process of getting married?
I was married for ten years, got amiably divorced, was alone for four years, and am now in the most loving relationship I've ever experienced. Everyone in our lives expects us to get married. A year in, people started asking when we were getting married. The expectation ran very high because we are so obviously in love and enjoy being together. The reality of our lives doesn't seem to make much of a dent in these well-meaning expectations, even after we patiently explain it: His career requires him to live where he does (or he will lose his job if he moves to another county); my career requires me to live close enough not to have an hour and a half commute (it's currently 40 minutes, quite enough thank you). He owns a sweet, animal-aggressive large dog; I own a sweet, animal-hating cat - we've tried to bring them together - total fail.
We cannot live together for now and, in fact, live 50 miles apart. We see each other every weekend, usually for three days, which is more than some couples get. I'm sure that some people look at us and the length of our relationship (2 years, 4 months), and assume that something must be awry because we aren't taking the big final step. I assure you, that is not the case. We have discussed marriage and agree we'd like to give it a try at some point once we can safely live together - but that won't be for about 9-10 years. So we have both accepted our current situation as well as we can and have agreed to make it work. This doesn't mean we don't love each other - or don't trust each other - or don't want to live together. When you are in your 40s, there are other factors that are, in fact, more important than love that must be taken into consideration.
The social cache and public acceptance that comes from being "husband and wife" instead of the juvenile "boyfriend and girlfriend" at our age would certainly be nice. I've written about this terminology problem before - one sounds serious and committed, the other sounds childish and disposable. So, conventionality again inserts its expectations into our words and creates a negative atmosphere.
There is nothing wrong with challenging convention and doing things the way you want as opposed to the way the advertising industry dictates or the way society expects. We have discussed signing Advanced Healthcare Directives for each other - something we will likely accomplish this year. While it may not be conventionally romantic at first glance (no flowers or chocolates in sight), this move is more romantic, loving, and reflective of the depth of our commitment to each other - we are choosing to seek out this protection and guarantee that we each have the right to make medical decisions for the other - a right automatically given to married couples.
Back to the diamond engagement ring - read that article I posted. Really read it. And ask yourself, if you have a diamond engagement ring, why that was important - really important - to you and to your spouse. Was it financially worth it? Does it make your marriage stronger? Happier? Longer-lasting? Why was that diamond necessary? Was there anything else that your beloved could have given or done to show you his or her intention to marry you instead of a diamond ring? I'm betting that most people haven't really thought about it all that deeply, but rather just accepted that giving/receiving a diamond ring was a necessary step in the marriage process...just the way Madison Avenue wants us to think.
This leads me into the most dangerous territory of all: weddings. Tighten your seatbelts, kids, because if you are bristling at that last paragraph, you're really going to foam at this one.
Weddings are a scam. Not the actual tradition that goes back as far as human history where the ceremony is intimate, small, focused on family, and more focused on the marriage instead of the day. Now, we have reality shows dedicated to glamorizing the day: Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding. Bridal magazines, web sites, ads on Facebook if you happen to be in a relationship beckon and tempt you to spend what you don't have on a day that is gone in a blink. We covet friends' extravagant winery weddings, luscious destination weddings, and full-scale farm-style picnics featuring horse rides, roaming ducks, exotic wines, and gourmet "farm" food.
Should couples celebrate getting married with a party? Sure. It's a huge life event worthy of celebration. Should couples put themselves and their families in debt for a decade to have the biggest party on the block to keep up with those elusive Joneses? Hell, no. Our priorities are so screwed up about this. I know the counterargument will be, "But if I can afford it, then why not?" Indeed. Go for it. If you think spending $10,000 or more on ONE DAY makes good financial sense in the grander scheme of a happy and functioning marriage, then by all means, spend away. But if, like most of us, you either don't have that kind of money to blow on something that could be accomplished for a fraction of that price, or just don't think it makes good financial sense, then why not reject conventionality? Don't give in to the pressure of family, friends, and TV shows that might make you think that being extravagant is necessary to prove your worth as a couple.
Marriage is complicated and can provide much happiness and comfort, but can also feel like a strangling noose tightening around your neck. The work that everybody talks about in marriage is just the effort required by each person to accept and love the other no matter what banality or extremes life throws your way - every day. Some days, it's very easy. Some days, it seems easier to walk away, but as my man likes to say, being married means you're stuck. Having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" means you can walk away at any point, unscathed financially, by simply not calling or showing up anymore. That changes once you make a legal commitment like marriage and you are sharing the same home. Why diminish the import of this reality by focusing all time, energy, attention, and money into the one day that kicks it off? Celebration with restraint seems a wiser course.
You might think I'm jaded because of a bad marriage. Not so. We were friends when we married and we remain friends to this day. The reasons it didn't work were complicated and we are both happier now as a result. In fact, that is one of the reasons why I don't want to "marry my best friend." As a result, although my beau and I share many friendship qualities, I do not consider him a friend...he is something else...something above and different from the common friend. Maybe that's just a semantic difference I need now, but it feels different and that is a good thing.
I encourage you to challenge convention. You have nothing to lose. Your family and friends will still love you, will still celebrate in whatever way you determine, will still send you holiday cards. They may talk about you behind your back about how rebellious you are, but then, they may already be doing that. Better to live up to your own expectations, instead of somebody else's - you and your mate will be much happier if you don't give in and blindly follow others' ideas of what is necessary.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Closure, or a new beginning?
When I told my parents and family about hearing back from my birth mother, the reaction was overwhelmingly positive, supportive, and cautious. They want me to take it slow and not get overwhelmed. And they are all using the term "closure" quite a bit. The word closure suggests an end, a resolution.
My friends, conversely, are just excited and relieved for me. They are using terms like "open door," "new path," "beginning."
So which is it? The end or the beginning? To me, finally communicating with my birth mother, getting to know her, and possibly having the opportunity to have a relationship with her is primarily an open door, a new beginning. But it is also in many ways a resolution - a mystery solved. But in my mind and heart, this qualifies more as a beginning. It is interesting to me that my family considers it more of an ending.
Thus begins the complicated nature of birth families and adoptive families coping with first contact between child and birth mother. I know that every adoptee in this situation has likely experienced something similar to varying degrees, if they are fortunate enough to have a supportive family and willing birth parent. But the rhetor in me can't resist analyzing the difference in language used to describe this moment. Why would my family primarily focus on closure while I focus on beginning? Because it IS closure - much-needed. That is true.
Perhaps it is just me, specifically. Maybe not all adoptees WANT a relationship with their birth parent(s) beyond the basic facts - particularly medical histories. Perhaps my family (as other adoptive families might feel) don't want "their" kid to have any real relationship with a birth parent for fear of being left out, left behind, or dropped entirely. Territoriality? Defensiveness? Fear that things won't work out and I'll be hurt? Fear that I won't consider them "family" anymore?
As I wrestle with the dichotomy of closure versus beginning, I am more inclined to embrace what many Indigenous scholars refer to as both/and - this is both closure AND a beginning. Not just one or the other. But when I speak about it thusly, again my family (who I know have my best interests in mind) is cautious and encouraging me to go slowly and just enjoy getting "answers to my questions." Again, the focus on superficiality - basic information - getting answers - embracing the end of this lifelong mystery.
I have expressed this to my family and will likely have to revisit the idea frequently - they are my family and always will be - and I love and value them as such. However, in my mind and heart, I do not think of "family" the way that many people do - I have always had a much more open interpretation of this word.
For instance, I know that some people who were born into and raised in "blood" families will only consider someone who is blood-related to be "family" - everyone else who falls outside this description is not "family" and never will be - these people may be invited to family dinners, but will never be considered "family." That's fine and that works for some folks - not me. And I think this stems from the fact that from birth, my concept of family has always been "those who care for you, love you, and advise and support you in any and all situations." This is a much-expanded concept from the limited blood relation version.
So, although my family may be wondering if they are about to be replaced, all I can do is emphasize how expansive my concept of "family" is and let them know that I may be adding people to this distinction, but I will never replace anyone. I have several friends whom I consider to be more "family" than "friends" based on the aforementioned definition. Once the level of closeness and dedication in a friendship transcends simple friendship, those people are added to my "family" category.
Will my birth mother (and her daughter - my sister - who is also interested in contacting me with the intent of us getting to know each other) become "family" some day? I have no idea. According to those who believe "blood" means family? The answer is a foregone yes. To me, I have no expectation either way - because this is a situation that is entirely new for all of us and I refuse to give in to any impulse to set parameters with expected outcomes. This situation is beautifully fluid and I am thoroughly enjoying the process of discovery.
Now to explain this to my family...;)
My friends, conversely, are just excited and relieved for me. They are using terms like "open door," "new path," "beginning."
So which is it? The end or the beginning? To me, finally communicating with my birth mother, getting to know her, and possibly having the opportunity to have a relationship with her is primarily an open door, a new beginning. But it is also in many ways a resolution - a mystery solved. But in my mind and heart, this qualifies more as a beginning. It is interesting to me that my family considers it more of an ending.
Thus begins the complicated nature of birth families and adoptive families coping with first contact between child and birth mother. I know that every adoptee in this situation has likely experienced something similar to varying degrees, if they are fortunate enough to have a supportive family and willing birth parent. But the rhetor in me can't resist analyzing the difference in language used to describe this moment. Why would my family primarily focus on closure while I focus on beginning? Because it IS closure - much-needed. That is true.
Perhaps it is just me, specifically. Maybe not all adoptees WANT a relationship with their birth parent(s) beyond the basic facts - particularly medical histories. Perhaps my family (as other adoptive families might feel) don't want "their" kid to have any real relationship with a birth parent for fear of being left out, left behind, or dropped entirely. Territoriality? Defensiveness? Fear that things won't work out and I'll be hurt? Fear that I won't consider them "family" anymore?
As I wrestle with the dichotomy of closure versus beginning, I am more inclined to embrace what many Indigenous scholars refer to as both/and - this is both closure AND a beginning. Not just one or the other. But when I speak about it thusly, again my family (who I know have my best interests in mind) is cautious and encouraging me to go slowly and just enjoy getting "answers to my questions." Again, the focus on superficiality - basic information - getting answers - embracing the end of this lifelong mystery.
I have expressed this to my family and will likely have to revisit the idea frequently - they are my family and always will be - and I love and value them as such. However, in my mind and heart, I do not think of "family" the way that many people do - I have always had a much more open interpretation of this word.
For instance, I know that some people who were born into and raised in "blood" families will only consider someone who is blood-related to be "family" - everyone else who falls outside this description is not "family" and never will be - these people may be invited to family dinners, but will never be considered "family." That's fine and that works for some folks - not me. And I think this stems from the fact that from birth, my concept of family has always been "those who care for you, love you, and advise and support you in any and all situations." This is a much-expanded concept from the limited blood relation version.
So, although my family may be wondering if they are about to be replaced, all I can do is emphasize how expansive my concept of "family" is and let them know that I may be adding people to this distinction, but I will never replace anyone. I have several friends whom I consider to be more "family" than "friends" based on the aforementioned definition. Once the level of closeness and dedication in a friendship transcends simple friendship, those people are added to my "family" category.
Will my birth mother (and her daughter - my sister - who is also interested in contacting me with the intent of us getting to know each other) become "family" some day? I have no idea. According to those who believe "blood" means family? The answer is a foregone yes. To me, I have no expectation either way - because this is a situation that is entirely new for all of us and I refuse to give in to any impulse to set parameters with expected outcomes. This situation is beautifully fluid and I am thoroughly enjoying the process of discovery.
Now to explain this to my family...;)
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