Yesterday, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman - my officemate. We ate in a cafe owned by another strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. Last week, I had lunch with a strong, intelligent, and accomplished friend who is a hospice doctor. Today, I picked up some treats for my strong, intelligent, and accomplished Southern women friends from a deli owned by a strong, intelligent, and accomplished local woman business owner. I am surrounded on a regular basis by strong, intelligent, and accomplished women. I am also a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman. None of us became accomplished by remaining quiet, not speaking up, and acquiescing to the will of a society that would prefer us to look and be perfect Stepford dolls (and did I mention unopinionated and stupid?) We all became accomplished in spite of this pressure to conform to silence and subservience. And yet...and yet...
...we all feel twinges of doubt about a wide variety of issues - body image, writing, business decisions, family decisions, professional choices. This bald fact is unavoidable, but sometimes something happens that brings this issue of self-doubt about one's self-worth to a head.
Yesterday as I was driving very slowly through the cafe parking lot and heading toward the exit, a middle-aged man jumped out of his truck and started across the lot to the KFC. We saw each other at about the same time, so I stopped a good 50 feet away, and waved him on. He stood still, and waved me on. I shook my head and smiled, waving him on - the universal signal that says "I see you - you're safe - go ahead."
You know what this man did? Something that I suspect many men AND women do on a daily basis - so much so that it is embedded in every reaction that we have whether we are driving, ordering something on the phone, listening to an expert, or voting.
He shook his head, held his arms up in an X, and shouted, "I don't trust women!" And then waved me on again. My stomach flipped, but I laughed (wrong response) and drove on. I should have stopped, gotten out, and asked him why he would say such a thing - it was insulting. But instead of responding the right way and challenging this behavior on the spot, this exchange has been eating at me ever since.
Why did he say that? Why doesn't he trust women? Women drivers, or women in general? My anger is also rising about this because it seemed so friendly and innocuous, but was loaded with toxicity and the expectation that because I'm a woman, I must not understand that I have to stop so that a man can cross in front of me. That pisses me off. And before you go off on some rant that I just don't understand and that oh, he was just "playing" or being funny - let me remind you that women in positions of power and authority suffer this assumption constantly. (And a woman behind a the wheel of a car can be perceived to have power over someone on foot.)
Over the course of my life, now and then, I will be reminded of my place by a "well-meaning" person - either man or woman, sometimes friend, sometimes colleague, sometimes family. Perhaps you've heard this statement and are similarly irritated by its counterproductive nature:
"You should watch what you say because you're in a position of authority - people trust you."
This is my all-time favorite and is ubiquitous to my life - this statement and its many forms has followed me from the moment I became a journalist. Until then, I was a subordinate figure in advertising and other businesses - I worked for others. The moment I started working for myself, I became scary to others. Now that I'm a professor, and part of the "intellectual elite" (whatever that is), apparently, I'm REALLY scary. I have things to say and I am not afraid to say them and for a woman to be that way and have that attitude rubs against the grain of a whole lot of people. The main thread that links both of my careers and positions together is the fact that I am a strong, intelligent, and accomplished woman who isn't afraid to talk and write about anything, even when it pisses other people off. My greatest critics in this respect have, much to my chagrin, been women.
This hurts more than any man's criticism.
Women need to be more supportive of each other's desire and ability to speak up, speak out, and speak well on a wide variety of issues, including some of the most sensitive and difficult topics. We need to stop being so critical of each other's strengths because there are enough men who feel the way that the KFC-loving parking lot-walker feel - they don't trust women - so we need to trust and love each other as we are - and not try to change each other into some stilted societally-acceptable silent presence in this world. There are enough forces already winning that war - let's stop contributing ammunition to the wrong side of the battles.
The men in our lives, employees, co-workers, employers, service workers, random people on the street and in stores, may not trust us, but it is imperative that we trust each other AS WOMEN and allow our fellow women to be who they are without judgment from us. The men aren't going to take the lead on this, ladies. We must trust each other. We must lead by example.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Why challenging conventionality makes sense
A friend shared this story on why diamond engagement rings are a money-making scam thought up by the U.S. advertising industry in the 40s and 50s and after reading it, I also shared it with the following comment:
"Didn't want one when I got married the first time. Don't want one now. It's amazing what the ad industry can make us believe is important and valuable when it's not. You know what has intrisic value? Real estate. To me, the simple wedding band is much nicer - simple, straightforward symbolism, doesn't get caught on clothes and gloves. I've never bought into this lie and wish more people didn't. A man's worth is NOT determined by the size of the diamond he buys you! Yeesh."
One friend wondered if my beau and I were planning something and another friend commented that he and his partner are creating a trust (but questioning the romance of the move).
For a society built upon the idea of revolution and rebellion, we're awfully and stodgily conventional when it comes to certain things like engagement processes, weddings, and relationships. Our expectations in this love arena are mightily stilted. I used to work in advertising and I know how the manipulation works, so am much less prone to buying into the ideas this industry presents. But what about those of us who insist that following convention when it comes to love, engagement, and marriage is vital to...do what? Prove your commitment as a couple? Prove you have inordinate sums of money that can be spent on frivolous artifacts and parties that you will likely be paying off for many years to come? Prove that you REALLY love each other?
Why are we so enamored with the idea of convention when it comes to the process of getting married?
I was married for ten years, got amiably divorced, was alone for four years, and am now in the most loving relationship I've ever experienced. Everyone in our lives expects us to get married. A year in, people started asking when we were getting married. The expectation ran very high because we are so obviously in love and enjoy being together. The reality of our lives doesn't seem to make much of a dent in these well-meaning expectations, even after we patiently explain it: His career requires him to live where he does (or he will lose his job if he moves to another county); my career requires me to live close enough not to have an hour and a half commute (it's currently 40 minutes, quite enough thank you). He owns a sweet, animal-aggressive large dog; I own a sweet, animal-hating cat - we've tried to bring them together - total fail.
We cannot live together for now and, in fact, live 50 miles apart. We see each other every weekend, usually for three days, which is more than some couples get. I'm sure that some people look at us and the length of our relationship (2 years, 4 months), and assume that something must be awry because we aren't taking the big final step. I assure you, that is not the case. We have discussed marriage and agree we'd like to give it a try at some point once we can safely live together - but that won't be for about 9-10 years. So we have both accepted our current situation as well as we can and have agreed to make it work. This doesn't mean we don't love each other - or don't trust each other - or don't want to live together. When you are in your 40s, there are other factors that are, in fact, more important than love that must be taken into consideration.
The social cache and public acceptance that comes from being "husband and wife" instead of the juvenile "boyfriend and girlfriend" at our age would certainly be nice. I've written about this terminology problem before - one sounds serious and committed, the other sounds childish and disposable. So, conventionality again inserts its expectations into our words and creates a negative atmosphere.
There is nothing wrong with challenging convention and doing things the way you want as opposed to the way the advertising industry dictates or the way society expects. We have discussed signing Advanced Healthcare Directives for each other - something we will likely accomplish this year. While it may not be conventionally romantic at first glance (no flowers or chocolates in sight), this move is more romantic, loving, and reflective of the depth of our commitment to each other - we are choosing to seek out this protection and guarantee that we each have the right to make medical decisions for the other - a right automatically given to married couples.
Back to the diamond engagement ring - read that article I posted. Really read it. And ask yourself, if you have a diamond engagement ring, why that was important - really important - to you and to your spouse. Was it financially worth it? Does it make your marriage stronger? Happier? Longer-lasting? Why was that diamond necessary? Was there anything else that your beloved could have given or done to show you his or her intention to marry you instead of a diamond ring? I'm betting that most people haven't really thought about it all that deeply, but rather just accepted that giving/receiving a diamond ring was a necessary step in the marriage process...just the way Madison Avenue wants us to think.
This leads me into the most dangerous territory of all: weddings. Tighten your seatbelts, kids, because if you are bristling at that last paragraph, you're really going to foam at this one.
Weddings are a scam. Not the actual tradition that goes back as far as human history where the ceremony is intimate, small, focused on family, and more focused on the marriage instead of the day. Now, we have reality shows dedicated to glamorizing the day: Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding. Bridal magazines, web sites, ads on Facebook if you happen to be in a relationship beckon and tempt you to spend what you don't have on a day that is gone in a blink. We covet friends' extravagant winery weddings, luscious destination weddings, and full-scale farm-style picnics featuring horse rides, roaming ducks, exotic wines, and gourmet "farm" food.
Should couples celebrate getting married with a party? Sure. It's a huge life event worthy of celebration. Should couples put themselves and their families in debt for a decade to have the biggest party on the block to keep up with those elusive Joneses? Hell, no. Our priorities are so screwed up about this. I know the counterargument will be, "But if I can afford it, then why not?" Indeed. Go for it. If you think spending $10,000 or more on ONE DAY makes good financial sense in the grander scheme of a happy and functioning marriage, then by all means, spend away. But if, like most of us, you either don't have that kind of money to blow on something that could be accomplished for a fraction of that price, or just don't think it makes good financial sense, then why not reject conventionality? Don't give in to the pressure of family, friends, and TV shows that might make you think that being extravagant is necessary to prove your worth as a couple.
Marriage is complicated and can provide much happiness and comfort, but can also feel like a strangling noose tightening around your neck. The work that everybody talks about in marriage is just the effort required by each person to accept and love the other no matter what banality or extremes life throws your way - every day. Some days, it's very easy. Some days, it seems easier to walk away, but as my man likes to say, being married means you're stuck. Having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" means you can walk away at any point, unscathed financially, by simply not calling or showing up anymore. That changes once you make a legal commitment like marriage and you are sharing the same home. Why diminish the import of this reality by focusing all time, energy, attention, and money into the one day that kicks it off? Celebration with restraint seems a wiser course.
You might think I'm jaded because of a bad marriage. Not so. We were friends when we married and we remain friends to this day. The reasons it didn't work were complicated and we are both happier now as a result. In fact, that is one of the reasons why I don't want to "marry my best friend." As a result, although my beau and I share many friendship qualities, I do not consider him a friend...he is something else...something above and different from the common friend. Maybe that's just a semantic difference I need now, but it feels different and that is a good thing.
I encourage you to challenge convention. You have nothing to lose. Your family and friends will still love you, will still celebrate in whatever way you determine, will still send you holiday cards. They may talk about you behind your back about how rebellious you are, but then, they may already be doing that. Better to live up to your own expectations, instead of somebody else's - you and your mate will be much happier if you don't give in and blindly follow others' ideas of what is necessary.
"Didn't want one when I got married the first time. Don't want one now. It's amazing what the ad industry can make us believe is important and valuable when it's not. You know what has intrisic value? Real estate. To me, the simple wedding band is much nicer - simple, straightforward symbolism, doesn't get caught on clothes and gloves. I've never bought into this lie and wish more people didn't. A man's worth is NOT determined by the size of the diamond he buys you! Yeesh."
One friend wondered if my beau and I were planning something and another friend commented that he and his partner are creating a trust (but questioning the romance of the move).
For a society built upon the idea of revolution and rebellion, we're awfully and stodgily conventional when it comes to certain things like engagement processes, weddings, and relationships. Our expectations in this love arena are mightily stilted. I used to work in advertising and I know how the manipulation works, so am much less prone to buying into the ideas this industry presents. But what about those of us who insist that following convention when it comes to love, engagement, and marriage is vital to...do what? Prove your commitment as a couple? Prove you have inordinate sums of money that can be spent on frivolous artifacts and parties that you will likely be paying off for many years to come? Prove that you REALLY love each other?
Why are we so enamored with the idea of convention when it comes to the process of getting married?
I was married for ten years, got amiably divorced, was alone for four years, and am now in the most loving relationship I've ever experienced. Everyone in our lives expects us to get married. A year in, people started asking when we were getting married. The expectation ran very high because we are so obviously in love and enjoy being together. The reality of our lives doesn't seem to make much of a dent in these well-meaning expectations, even after we patiently explain it: His career requires him to live where he does (or he will lose his job if he moves to another county); my career requires me to live close enough not to have an hour and a half commute (it's currently 40 minutes, quite enough thank you). He owns a sweet, animal-aggressive large dog; I own a sweet, animal-hating cat - we've tried to bring them together - total fail.
We cannot live together for now and, in fact, live 50 miles apart. We see each other every weekend, usually for three days, which is more than some couples get. I'm sure that some people look at us and the length of our relationship (2 years, 4 months), and assume that something must be awry because we aren't taking the big final step. I assure you, that is not the case. We have discussed marriage and agree we'd like to give it a try at some point once we can safely live together - but that won't be for about 9-10 years. So we have both accepted our current situation as well as we can and have agreed to make it work. This doesn't mean we don't love each other - or don't trust each other - or don't want to live together. When you are in your 40s, there are other factors that are, in fact, more important than love that must be taken into consideration.
The social cache and public acceptance that comes from being "husband and wife" instead of the juvenile "boyfriend and girlfriend" at our age would certainly be nice. I've written about this terminology problem before - one sounds serious and committed, the other sounds childish and disposable. So, conventionality again inserts its expectations into our words and creates a negative atmosphere.
There is nothing wrong with challenging convention and doing things the way you want as opposed to the way the advertising industry dictates or the way society expects. We have discussed signing Advanced Healthcare Directives for each other - something we will likely accomplish this year. While it may not be conventionally romantic at first glance (no flowers or chocolates in sight), this move is more romantic, loving, and reflective of the depth of our commitment to each other - we are choosing to seek out this protection and guarantee that we each have the right to make medical decisions for the other - a right automatically given to married couples.
Back to the diamond engagement ring - read that article I posted. Really read it. And ask yourself, if you have a diamond engagement ring, why that was important - really important - to you and to your spouse. Was it financially worth it? Does it make your marriage stronger? Happier? Longer-lasting? Why was that diamond necessary? Was there anything else that your beloved could have given or done to show you his or her intention to marry you instead of a diamond ring? I'm betting that most people haven't really thought about it all that deeply, but rather just accepted that giving/receiving a diamond ring was a necessary step in the marriage process...just the way Madison Avenue wants us to think.
This leads me into the most dangerous territory of all: weddings. Tighten your seatbelts, kids, because if you are bristling at that last paragraph, you're really going to foam at this one.
Weddings are a scam. Not the actual tradition that goes back as far as human history where the ceremony is intimate, small, focused on family, and more focused on the marriage instead of the day. Now, we have reality shows dedicated to glamorizing the day: Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding. Bridal magazines, web sites, ads on Facebook if you happen to be in a relationship beckon and tempt you to spend what you don't have on a day that is gone in a blink. We covet friends' extravagant winery weddings, luscious destination weddings, and full-scale farm-style picnics featuring horse rides, roaming ducks, exotic wines, and gourmet "farm" food.
Should couples celebrate getting married with a party? Sure. It's a huge life event worthy of celebration. Should couples put themselves and their families in debt for a decade to have the biggest party on the block to keep up with those elusive Joneses? Hell, no. Our priorities are so screwed up about this. I know the counterargument will be, "But if I can afford it, then why not?" Indeed. Go for it. If you think spending $10,000 or more on ONE DAY makes good financial sense in the grander scheme of a happy and functioning marriage, then by all means, spend away. But if, like most of us, you either don't have that kind of money to blow on something that could be accomplished for a fraction of that price, or just don't think it makes good financial sense, then why not reject conventionality? Don't give in to the pressure of family, friends, and TV shows that might make you think that being extravagant is necessary to prove your worth as a couple.
Marriage is complicated and can provide much happiness and comfort, but can also feel like a strangling noose tightening around your neck. The work that everybody talks about in marriage is just the effort required by each person to accept and love the other no matter what banality or extremes life throws your way - every day. Some days, it's very easy. Some days, it seems easier to walk away, but as my man likes to say, being married means you're stuck. Having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" means you can walk away at any point, unscathed financially, by simply not calling or showing up anymore. That changes once you make a legal commitment like marriage and you are sharing the same home. Why diminish the import of this reality by focusing all time, energy, attention, and money into the one day that kicks it off? Celebration with restraint seems a wiser course.
You might think I'm jaded because of a bad marriage. Not so. We were friends when we married and we remain friends to this day. The reasons it didn't work were complicated and we are both happier now as a result. In fact, that is one of the reasons why I don't want to "marry my best friend." As a result, although my beau and I share many friendship qualities, I do not consider him a friend...he is something else...something above and different from the common friend. Maybe that's just a semantic difference I need now, but it feels different and that is a good thing.
I encourage you to challenge convention. You have nothing to lose. Your family and friends will still love you, will still celebrate in whatever way you determine, will still send you holiday cards. They may talk about you behind your back about how rebellious you are, but then, they may already be doing that. Better to live up to your own expectations, instead of somebody else's - you and your mate will be much happier if you don't give in and blindly follow others' ideas of what is necessary.
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