The Art of Saying "No"

When a friend invites you to join a group or an event on Facebook, you have three options: Accept, Reject, or Ignore. In the world of Facebook and online interactions, ignoring requests for information or a confirmation of participation in an event, or even in support of a cause has become the ubiquitous response. In the world of Facebook, this is acceptable because we are bombarded with requests of all stripes and many choose to ignore them all so as to keep our profile pages less cluttered. That certainly seems rationale and acceptable...in the world of Facebook.

Slowly, like a creeping sludge destined to ruin the most fertile soil, this "Ignore" option has become more prevalent in real world RSVPs, threatening to ruin friendships (or, at the very least, diminish the standing of one person in the another's eyes). Courtesy, civility, and that old-fashioned concept, etiquitte, seem now truly to be antiques in a speedy, uncaring, self-absorbed world.

When is the last time you received either an electronic or paper invitation to an event or gathering? Do you recall how you responded? Did you respond right away? Did the host have to call or email a follow-up to goad a response? How about the last time you responded in the negative? Silence does not indicate "no," although that seems to be the assumption on the part of people who employ the "Ignore" option in personal invitation situations. (And one of my favorite bosses from my ad agency days used to have a great and well-worn statement that seems applicable here: When you assume, you make an ASS of U and ME.)

Sometimes silence means "I'm thinking about it and will ultimately decide to show up." Why not just tell the host this information? "Hey, thanks for the invite, I really want to come, but I'm waiting to hear about this conference - I'll let you know closer to that date." Why is this so difficult for so many people? However, this response is preferable to silence followed by showing up. This poses a problem for the event planner - namely, that this person is trying to PLAN the event more than 15 minutes in advance of its occurrence. Planning requires time and very often money, and decisions about seating and food, and sometimes reservations.

According to Cindy Post Senning on emilypost.com, "The manners and principles of good etiquette are learned behaviors. We are not born knowing the things to do to show respect. We learn them." Given the prevalence of discourteousness in responding to invitations, one might be inclined to blame those damn kids...but wait. In my experience, age is irrelevant in this problem. People in their 30s and 40s (and older), quite frankly, should have learned appropriate etiquette, even nominally, at some point in life. We all got invitations to friends' birthday parties and had to respond, usually by calling. So this behavior is learned and I am admittedly hardest on people who should know better. Those in their teens and 20s may or may not have learned because they don't remember a world without the Internet.

Over the past few years, I and my friends (of all ages) have been on the receiving end of silence (the "Ignore" option) when we have sent invitations to formal and informal gatherings. Perhaps you have as well, and are wondering what is causing an increase in this unfortunate behavior.

Once again to emilypost.com and the site's response to the question "What to do when guests don't RSVP." Part of the answer states, "It is inconsiderate, but unfortunately common, for guests to fail to RSVP. Some forget; others procrastinate and then feel guilty, so they delay even longer. To many a host on the non-receiving end of an RSVP, it seems as if an invitee is simply waiting for something “better” to possibly come along. One of the sad parts about the demise of the RSVP is that relationships often suffer due to hosts’ resultant hurt feelings and frustration."

Are people who ignore invitations even aware that this behavior is problematic? My guess is no. The emilypost.com response is quite diplomatic. Much more diplomatic than I'm about to be. Might I suggest that our devolution into the online world of abbreviated responses, permissive social norms, and the illusion of anonymity has made us rude. And that this rudeness does ruin friendships - there is a potentially tangible consequence to ignoring a personal invitation. We are all culpable here and should hold each other, as equal members of a functioning society, to a higher (and more etiquette-infused) standard.
 
Let's back up about 20 years.

Twenty years ago, in 1990, there was no common Internet. We got our news in newspapers and on CNN. There was no Google, Yahoo, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Skype. There was no AOL, the platform on which many of us got our first taste of email. Invitations came through the mail via the U.S. Postal Service, or by phone (and not cell phones, landlines). The world of 1990 was still an intimate, private world where face to face interactions and personal accountability for behavior was still valued. No one was perfect, and rudeness has always followed humans, but there was an expectation of a certain standard of behavior and people called rudeness by its proper name. Now to call ignoring invitations rude might invite derision or defensive invective. Furthermore, in the world of 1990, people generally knew, understood, and accepted the obligation of saying no to invitations. It was considered "common courtesy."

Saying no is not complicated or weighed down with intention. No one cares why you aren't coming, but do the event planner the courtesy of saying no. Don't want to go because the other invitees make your skin crawl? Irrelevant. A simple email stating, "I can't make it, but thanks for the invite" would suffice. Have other plans? Too tired? Also irrelevant. Just say no. Excuses neither desired nor required. How long do you suppose it took me to craft that simple email statement? Less than two seconds. To write it took another couple of seconds. To hit send would be another few moments. The time invested in crafting an invitation, arranging seating, planning and purchasing food and drink, and then cleaning in advance of guests' arrival is much higher, which is why (I suspect), emilypost.com states that it is an OBLIGATION of the invited guest to respond one way or the other.

Why have we allowed discourtesy to become so common as to render the art of saying "no" as irrelevant in our "modern" minds as books, newspapers, and Emily Post? Accept and Reject are viable options, as they always have been. Ignore just shows a basic disrespect for a friend, which is why the friendship probably won't last if silence is too often the response to invitations.