My dad likes to remind me, too frequently imho, that he is and will always be 40 years my senior, with 40 additional years of experience, so I need to just be quiet and listen already. Well. You know that I love my dad, but as I have reached the age at which most people are considered fully functioning and trustworthy adults, I feel fairly confident in the reflections and assertions I'm about to make.
I have no children and have no plans for any, but I am still drawn to teach (hence the current career choice of professor), so please forgive me if this reflection list sounds too meme-ish or self-indulgent or preachy. I intend none of these impressions. I merely wish to honestly convey some things I'm pretty confident about at this stage in my life. Forty-three of them, in fact, to correspond to my new age as of Saturday. Read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :)
1. Family really is important. Even when they drive you batshit crazy and make you want to scream. They care, they really do. And you will miss them when they are gone, so spend what time you can with them while they are around.
2. Love is worth the risk. Love is a fluctuating, flexible, fluid concept and can be shared with any number of people in any number of ways once you decide to truly open yourself up to the risk of failure. Being vulnerable and raw are absolute necessities for love to flourish - it's a difficult plant to control, grow, and bring back from the dead. But it is always unexpected and fulfilling, thorns and all.
3. Sex is essential. Learning about it, exploring and experimenting with it, doing it. Just say yes.
4. Everyone needs friends. Don't ever say or let anyone say, "I don't need friends." That's just a flat-out lie. Friends keep us sane, understand and challenge us when we need it, share our pain and excitement, even from afar. Keep your friendships alive, no matter the effort required. It pays off in so many miniscule, yet vital, ways that makes daily life bearable and sometimes downright joyful.
5. Owning your own home is, after all, worth it. It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point where I can say this without smirking or cringing. I am finally starting to believe this sentiment to be true. There really is such a thing as pride in ownership. And having the flexibility to make whatever changes you want and shape your space into something that reflects who you are is incredibly valuable and yes, worth the extraordinary investment of money, time, and sweat.
6. Home improvement projects take a lot longer than HGTV or DIY lead you to believe. I think we all understand this on an intellectual level, but watching those shows and then trying to tackle a huge project like a bathroom renovation or a yard and garden reconstruction alone (as opposed to with the help of 30 people in one weekend) is quite a shock to the physical and psychological system. But, as with number 5, the projects and the associated money, time, and physical effort (plus learning curve) are well worth it to be able to enjoy the finished area with a real sense of pride and accomplishment.
7. Everything you learned in kindergarten is not all you need to know. You also need to understand how to work with difficult people with impossible personalities. You need to know how to be nice all the time, even the face of rampant idiocy. You need to know how to navigate a professional space politically and diplomatically. You need to know how to pick your battles. You need to know when to stand and fight, no matter the personal or professional risk. You need to know when to walk away because it just isn't worth arguing. This knowledge isn't taught at home or in school, but over the course of time and jobs and relationships and situations. This knowledge only arrives slowly over time - be patient - it accumulates.
8. Well-deployed anger is useful. I've written about this before. Too much anger, misplaced anger, violent anger - all unhelpful and counterproductive. But thoughtful, well-deployed anger? That can be a powerful tool to influence people, create change, or even just get people talking.
9. You are never too old to get an education. I hear people say this all the time - people in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s..."I'm too old to go back to school." And as with number four, I call bullshit. Unless you have a diminished mental capacity for some reason, you are NEVER too old to get a degree, additional training, new skills. Want to change careers? Go for it. Plan well and go for it. There are myriad excuses built-in to a busy adult's life - kids, mortgage, spouse, time, busy busy busy...if you want something badly enough, you'll make the time and figure out a way to make it work. Period.
10. You don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life. Despite what some people might believe, it is more than possible to have a fun, exhilarating, love-filled, adventurous, and fulfilling life sans children. If you want a child, I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. If you feel pressured by family, friends, co-workers, the general social dynamic of our nation to have children, you best think long and hard before going down that road. If, gods forbid, your partner tries to convince you that "having a kid will strengthen our marriage," run away from that person as fast as your feet will carry you. And if, like me, you decide, on purpose, not to have a child, then I applaud your decision and wish you the very best. Kids do not equal automatic happiness and fulfillment and if you know in the depth of your being that the kid-path ain't for you? Then don't internalize the judgment you may receive. Just smile and know that you don't need to have kids to have a rich and fulfilling life.
11. Learning an art form will make you more compassionate. This has probably been said before by famous people with books, but I'll add my voice to the chorus. Learning how to play the piano, how to draw and paint, how to take artistic and thoughtfully composed photographs, how to cook, how to build with wood, how to dance and sing, how to bring a character to life on stage or on paper....these are things I know how to do and this knowledge has increased my capacity for compassion and understanding one hundred-fold. Everyone I know who has some, all, or more of these artistic skills also has extraordinary compassion in varying degrees. If you don't have an artistic skill, go learn one and contribute to the compassion index of the world.
12. Some people really are jerks. Going along with number 11, I can't help but think about the handful of people I've encountered who truly are class-A jerks. People who I wouldn't choose to spend time with if you paid me to do so. Fortunately, the number is small, so in 43 years, that's pretty good. But it's true - some people really are jerks and there's no explaining or rationalizing it away.
13. Basic life skills are sexy and attractive. Knowing how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew on buttons and fix hems, build a fire, fish or hunt or grow your own food - these are essential life skills that everyone should know. For some reason, I meet a lot of people who don't have many of these skills - if any. That is not only tragic, that is dangerous. When our society gets away from basic skills such as these, we are in serious trouble if and when the power blinks out for good. I'm not a doomsday type, but I believe in the power of basic skills. Learn them. Know them. Share them with the younger generations.
14. Eating healthy can be delicious if done right. Indulging now and again in foods laden with sugar, salt, and fats is fine - it's when we load our daily meals with these choices that we get into trouble. I have worked very hard at various points in my life to correct bad eating habits and I think I finally have a handle on it. Eating healthy can feel just as indulgent as eating unhealthily, if you make the right choices - and learn how to cook! Back to the basics, always. Understanding how different ingredients and flavors work and taste together is essential to understanding how to construct creative, satisfying, and flavorful meals without loads of sugar, salt, and fats. No, really! :)
15. Having good credit opens doors. Having bad or "high risk" credit slams doors in your face and jacks up the rates for any creditor willing to take a chance on you. Check your credit record frequently, keep tabs on it, and try very hard not to dig yourself a hole. It takes a long time to dig out.
16. If you dig yourself a credit abyss and feel like you are drowning, you will recover with time, patience, and assiduous attention. It takes a long time to dig out, but you will dig out.
17. Lots of education, skills, and experience means you will always have a job. It may not be your ideal job, or it may mean you take a job below your skill level for awhile, but these three elements put you at the top of the hiring heap, guaranteed, every time.
18. Feeling utterly overwhelmed, panicked, afraid, worried, nervous, or in pain are all temporary sensations and will pass. They really do. And these moments allow you to see and enjoy the light-filled, joyous, and daily moments of quiet contentment even more.
19. Some mysteries are meant to be solved and some aren't. Knowing and having answers is the ideal situation, but not all situations lend themselves to this end. Accepting the existence of a mystery might be necessary - once you accept it, you can start spending your mental energy on something more productive. Like learning to cook better. :)
20. Constant complaining is a buzzkill. Just don't do it. It annoys the hell out of the people around you and although they may be sympathetic to your plight, constant complaints just makes people want to stay away from you or drive the conversation, thus reducing your contributions. Kvetching a bit is something we all indulge in now and again - it's fun to share the annoyances in our lives sometimes - but constant streams of complaints about minor and major issues without a break is a buzzkill.
21. There really is something magical about stopping and smelling the flowers, or contemplating the painterly colors in a sunset, or running your hand over a plant's fuzzy leaves, or really savoring that dish you just spent two hours cooking. Pausing to appreciate the beautiful and tasty sensations of our world is one of the greatest experiences you can have.
22. Stop texting at dinner (or lunch or breakfast). If you are having a meal with someone, put your phone away or on silent, don't look at it, don't have text or Facebook conversations with people who are not at the table. It is infinitely rude to the people you are dining with and just an obnoxious contemporary behavior that needs to stop. I've been guilty of this myself - I'm pretty sure all of us who have smart phones are - but I'm really making an effort to leave my phone in the purse, in the car, or certainly on silent. I really don't need to respond to ANYone right away...and neither do you.
23. I am happy to be alive. My Grandma Helen always used to say she only wanted to be alive as long as her mind held out. I took that to mean that her body could diminish and become less capable and she'd be ok with that. But her mind - her intelligence, ability to think for herself, reason, debate, discuss, and generally enjoy and be aware of the world - that was essential. I agree with her. I am happy to be alive as long as I have my mind.
(Part Two, or the final 20, next time!)
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