43 Reflections (Part Two)

As promised, here is the second half of my list of 43 reflections and observations. And as with the Part One, read what you will, agree or disagree, accept or reject what I say, share and compare your experiences and reflections, or simply pause a moment to reflect on your own knowledge and understandings, whatever your age. I promise that you know more than you think you do. (And, of course, these are in no particular order of importance. :):

24. It's okay to lose control. Sometimes we get wound so tightly that we can't enjoy ourselves. The brain doesn't shut off, the interior voices don't shut up, and we can't live in the moment and let go. I've had such problems with this, but I'm finally becoming comfortable enough with myself to truly let go when the situation allows for it. And it is a marvelous, wild, time-stopping feeling.

25. Generosity is as vital as understanding. With money (if you have it), with time, with talents and skills, with advice, with listening, with compassion. Being generous with the people in your life will reap more dividends on a longer term basis than any amount of wise financial investment in the stock market. Spend your emotional, physical, and financial capital on the people you love and watch what happens.

26. Don't flinch when challenged. Remember that kid's game - two for flinching? Well, as adults, it may not be two arm punches that come flying at us when we flinch, it may be a downgrade of our reputation, a decrease in trust, a questioning of our abilities. Even when you are wrong and must fix a situation, never flinch when challenged. Calmly assert your claim to authority and walk away with your character and confidence intact. And then fix the problem.

27. Silence can be a powerful ally or weapon, depending on how it is deployed. Sometimes stepping away or remaining silent is more powerful than words. Just try it some time and witness the effect that silence can have.

28. It's not always important to win. I can't tell you how hard-won this piece of knowledge is for me. Until my mid-30s, I really believed that winning was the most important thing - more important than friendships, relationship peace, anything really. And that is dead wrong. I was wrong. And it took me a lot of time and mental energy to re-work myself around to what I now know. Perhaps this knowledge can only come from first feeling the opposite and then suffering through the result and changing - like an alcoholic admitting she has a problem. However, if you can avoid learning this particular lesson the hard way, I recommend doing so.

29. Learning shouldn't stop. Certainly, the older we get, and the more we read, see, and experience, the more we know. But for some people, that learning stops - they hit a certain age and decide to stop learning new things or considering new ideas. This may just be a personal preference on my part, but I think shutting yourself off from learning is the beginning of the end of your mind's health and vitality.

30. Bad news and unexpected disruptions to "normal" life should be expected, but always take us by surprise. The longer you live, the more things you live through - much of it bad news and unexpected disruptions that you didn't create or cause. So you'd think we'd become accustomed to these infrequent disturbances to our "normal" lives. Nope. We easily fall back into the comfort zone and enter a type of selective amnesia and then wham! Another unexpected disruption and we're SO surprised! Perhaps expecting the unexpected is one of those concepts that can only be talked about and agreed upon, but not truly felt.

31. It's okay to grieve. The death of a relationship, a loved one, a pet. The end of anything that is important to us. We can't see the beginning peeking around the corner because we are too sad, too blinded by despair. But hope and new starts are there, calmly waiting. Well-meaning people will pressure you to buck up and snap out of it - don't listen. Grieve. Cry. Mourn. Be sad. Be angry. Take as long as you need to start healing and seeing the world with hope and wonder again. Don't feel bad about taking your time. Don't internalize societal pressure to get over it. Ignore that idea. Take as long as you need.

32. Working hard does not guarantee success. There's a myth that we Americans tend to subscribe to - that hard work in and of itself will pay off economically, socially, and/or professionally. And as much of an advocate as I am of working hard, I've seen and experienced enough to know what folly it is to believe in this idea. It is not just hard work. It is also your ability to network, meet people, and cultivate relationships with influential individuals who can help move your ideas along. It is also a large dose of luck to be in the right place at the right time, something we cannot control or predict. It is also your intuition and ability to interpret a moment and possibly make a sudden decision. And it is also your willingness to take advantage of opportunities as they come your way - not dismiss them out of hand for some surface and temporary reason (salary reduction is often a big one) - but see them as stepping stones for future success. Hard work is just part of the equation.

33. Success is not the enemy, greed is. Once you do achieve a modicum of professional and/or economic success, be proud of your accomplishments and enjoy the rewards of your labors. Success in this respect is a wonderful thing. Just don't become Gordon Gekko. Maybe this is just my inner Marxist coming out, but there does seem to be a difference between economic success that is earned, enjoyed, and shared versus greed - when enough isn't enough. Perhaps it is in the underlying motivation. We live in a consumerist society - no avoiding that - but you don't have to subscribe to the belief that you need everything and more more more. Achievement and success are good things and everyone should strive to reach as far up the ladder as their desires want them to go...but don't let pure greed be the motivating factor.

34.  When in doubt, take a deep breath before diving in. Whether in a job interview, a meeting, a coffee date with a friend, on stage, or when presented with a statement or question that you aren't sure how to answer, the best response is breathing. Just take a deep breath, say, "Hmm, good point/question. Let me think about that for a moment." And then silently (and quickly) compose a response before speaking. You will come across as confident, mature, and composed, instead of scatterbrained, disjointed, and nervous.

35. Courtesy is no longer common, but it should be. Now I sound like one of those old timers futzing about these damn kids...but I am in earnest. Simple gestures like opening and holding a door for someone, saying thank you when they do the same for you, offering to help with a task, pausing in traffic to let another driver in to the lane; these are becoming rare instances, which is a shame because it speaks to a downgrading of classiness in all of us.

36.One person's truth is another person's lie. There is no avoiding this fact. What I believe wholeheartedly to be true, I can name a dozen people who not only disagree with me, but who believe the exact opposite to be true (You may be one of those people, looking at this list, and trying to count the ways in which I am wrong). The better truth to embrace is simple acknowledgment that my truth and your truth are just different: equally powerful and compelling, but different. Once you learn to accept that as fact, debates of all kinds become easier, less contentious, and more palatable.

37. When someone compliments you, say thank you. When you dismiss a compliment, you are dismissing that person's entire perspective and saying, "What you say doesn't matter - I don't agree with your compliment, so will brush it off and replace it with my own negativity." That is so disrespectful. Don't do that. Just don't. Appreciate the sentiment and the spirit in which it is offered. When someone compliments your hair, your outfit, your article, your qualities, just smile and say, "Thank you!" 

38. Constructing a bucket list is a useful and functional exercise. Just remember to be flexible. What you desire to accomplish at 25 will likely change by the time you are 35 and 45 and 55, so start that list and begin doing the activities and accomplishing a few of the goals. And then revisit it in a few years to see what you've done (pat yourself on the back and be happy if you've managed a couple of items) and what goals have changed. Don't hesitate to replace anything that no longer makes sense for where you are in life.

39. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. Failure is inevitable. (Getting the hint? Keep repeating this until it sinks in.) Accept that failure is inevitable - in school, in professional life, in relationships, in families and friendships, in projects and small tasks, in purchasing things and trying new hobbies. Failure. Is. Inevitable. It is not that you can prevent failure, it is how you respond when you fail that marks the difference between "failures" and "survivors." Fail. Learn. Go again.

40. There will come a day when you finally get it. It wasn't in my 20s (even though I thought I knew everything then). It wasn't in my 30s after being married and divorced. It wasn't even when I turned 40, earned my Ph.D. and became a professor. I really just started to get it this year. I feel like I am finally starting to have a handle on how life and all of its myriad components, surprises, left jabs, and challenges work. I feel confident now that I really can survive anything. That no matter what ridiculous obstacles leap into view, that I will be okay and I will be able to figure it out. Life seems much less fragile now, or maybe I just feel more resilient. That feeling just happened. This year. So be patient and know that this type of wisdom really can take some serious time.

41. Never speak negatively about yourself. Whether with friends, co-workers, a potential new boss, a professor, or a landlord, never knock yourself down with words. Once spoken, the words hang in the air and create a sense of doubt about you. If you don't like yourself enough to sing your own praises and at least mildly proclaim them, why should anyone believe in you and give you a chance? Be your own best advocate and always speak well of yourself without crossing the line into arrogance.

42. When you need help, ask for it. Not asking for help is this weird affliction that I swear is either a Pennsylvania thing or maybe an American thing. I'm not sure, but there's something about asking for help that makes us feel weak. And no one likes to feel weak. I used to suffer from this affliction. No longer. I now know and am fully aware of how important it is (for my own sanity and to speed up the solution process) to ask for help. It is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Because you know something else? When you ask for help (especially when you rarely ask), friends and family tend to leap to your aid - which makes sense. I know I tend to leap when a friend or family member asks for help, advice, assistance - I love helping others. How arrogant of me to assume other people don't have the same impulse? So, when you need help, ask for it. And say thank you when your peeps step up.

43. Work at having fun. Too many of us work way too hard, stress way too much, and focus on the negatives. I've been guilty of this just this year, what with State Farm jerking me around (my Hurricane Sandy claim remains unsettled) and all of the other obstacles and challenges that have arisen in this short 12 month period. But my man and friends and family always remind me of the good things and the fact that situations always improve - it is easy to lose sight of this when in the throes of chaos. But they are correct. And even in the midst of chaos, it is vitally important to have fun. I work to live, I don't live to work. When I was nine, my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up. I said, "Have fun." He laughed and said, "You can't make a living having fun!" I responded, "I will!" Now, all of my careers and jobs have certainly been work, but have always included elements of fun. But when I say have fun, I don't restrict that to work because let's face it, work can really drag us down sometimes. Which is why it so important to work at having fun. Whatever it is that brings you joy and satisfaction should be close to the top of your weekly list. Every week. And new fun adventures that you're itching to try? Go for it. Having fun is one of those activities that makes life worth living, so why slack off? :)