Everyone has their limits before they break.
You've probably had one of those weeks. Or months. Or years. Where one thing after another goes wrong and nothing you do to correct, push back, or fix seems to work. When no matter what you do, say, or think, someone dislikes you enough to try and get you fired. When all of your positive efforts fail and your dentist announces a major procedure is forthcoming. Where you go in for a routine checkup and discover that genetic testing is necessary to determine the presence of a cancer gene which may or may not lead to a life-changing surgery. When following the rules and making good decisions doesn't work and you end up in a debt hole that feels too deep to climb out. You know. One thing after another piles up and suddenly, you reach maximum capacity and feel overwhelmed and beaten down. Like the universe has turned on you.
That's where I was last week. I was a wreck. The littlest thing made me cry. I lost all motivation to do anything productive. I was tired, so tired. All I had the energy to do was sit on the couch and watch Justified. Movie review due. Article needing revision. Syllabi to revise. Book to write. Data to enter. Insurance company to fight. Friends to catch up with. Lawn to mow. Things to do. No energy. I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not the only person who has experienced this sensation.
I was down and headed toward depression. A temporary state for me, thankfully. Not much brings me down and as my officemate noted at our lunch last week, I do tend to bounce back and recover rather quickly from these universe punches to the gut. I've been doing it all year.
I just reached my limit. Fortunately, unlike the many people I know who get stuck in this lackluster cauldron of despair to the point of truly needing medical help, I must have some kind of internal hard drive that only lets me sink so far before my mind starts to talk me off the ledge. Good friends help. Caring parents, likewise. Mom said to me today, "You have a strong back to carry all of this." And a wonderful man whose mere presence calms me in a way I never realized was possible.
On Friday, I was miserable and I'm sure when my honey saw me, he wondered where the woman he fell in love with disappeared to. That depressed, sad, worried, weepy, down woman was someone else. But it wasn't. It was me. And I really did feel that bad. And I also know that not everyone has the ability to pull themselves out of such a funk.
On Saturday, after a good night's sleep and plenty of discussion, caring snuggling, and sympathy (and an entire bottle of blood orange creme liquor shared while sitting on the bow of a boat as the wind blew across the marina and bay as the clock ticked toward 1 a.m.), I woke to fully feel this realization: Something will happen.
When I had lunch with my friend last week in the midst of my despair, I mentioned this idea of radical surrender, and she confirmed the concept by stating, "Something will happen."
This tickle of an idea set something off deep in my core, even as I felt myself sinking deeper. Something will happen resonated inside me like a temple bell. Something will happen. Something will happen. Like a mantra, I kept repeating this to myself until Saturday morning.
On Saturday morning, I awoke and FELT the idea. Something will happen. And I will deal with it when it does. Uncertainty can be dealt with better with less energy spent on worrying about potential outcomes. I cannot control the who, what, when, where, why, or how, but something will happen. And when it does, I will deal with it.
That proverbial weight crushing me just lifted and I suddenly felt calm. There's something liberating about being completely overwhelmed and realizing there isn't anything you can do to change things. Because something will happen. So just wait. And deal with that something when it happens.
I also need to acknowledge my sweetheart, whose mere physical presence calms me. Our relationship is marked by peacefulness despite our many surface disagreements. It's funny to me because people who hear us playfully disagreeing must think we don't agree on anything. But the issues we disagree on are actually insignificant in the grand scheme of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. When I am with him, I am calmer. I motivate him to try new things like attending theatrical performances and kayaking and moving to a better marina, and he makes me smile, laugh, and feel calm. Our relationship has a peaceful centeredness that I treasure. It is this center that I returned to this Friday night and that retreat pushed me back into accepting radical surrender as a new mantra.
I am thankful for his presence in my life and am thankful to have a healthier mindset heading into one last shore trip this week before the semester starts anew.
Maybe you're in that headspace where everything feels out of control and you feel like you're drowning. Please, don't. You won't drown. You do have people in your life who know you, support you, and care about you. You are not alone. You can get through this. Try repeating this new mantra and maybe it'll bring you back to your center. Practice radical surrender. Something will happen and you will deal with it when it does.
Peace, friends.
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